The Moiderer

Indulge me a little…

…my head is a bit screwed up right now.

I have always had a drive to help people. I always wanted to do what I could to stop people feeling the pain that I felt.

But the reality was I was never very good at it. I was very closed off to protect myself and I didn’t have the techniques and skills to help myself let alone anyone else.

Then I came across Cognitive Hypnotherapy and my life was transformed. From that very first session with Trevor I could see not only how it was helping me but that I really wanted to learn it so I could help others.

And so I did.

And it has been amazing. This massive hidden approach that can transform lives so effectively and so rapidly.

I wanted everyone to know about it so I put what I’d been through in a book to try and reach as many as possible and I embarked on a mission to get out there and use my story to let people know what’s possible.

And the further down my journey I went, the easier it became to share details of my past. To share the story that I had held back on because the journey is what counts.

But I recognised some people need the details of what you have overcome – not just how you have overcome it.

So then I looked for ways to connect with volunteering organisations to offer hands on help.

I started planning how I could do talks and maybe even ultimately TED talks – all to get the message out there “Nothing needs to be the way it’s always been”. There is an option.

Yesterday I went to meet with the board of governor's of a local women’s rape and sexual abuse charity. This was an opportunity to combine my business skills with my therapy and my background.

I talked through why I felt I wanted to be involved.

It was not an easy conversation. The women were lovely and attentive. It wasn’t about them, it was about me. I gave them copies of my book so they could understand what was possible and they will put a copy in their library.

We’re not sure how we will progress now – I will wait to hear from them.

But meanwhile I had a bit of a problem.

Because talking about my story is not good for me. It put me in such a dark place of self loathing and despair.

A place I don’t go anywhere near these days in my new shiny happy life.

And is this the way of it? If I try and share my story is this what is going to happen every time? I thought I was over this. I thought the demons of my past were laid to rest.

Yes, I have a bunch of stuff stirred up with my father that I am seeing Trevor about in a couple of weeks but to use a cliché, life is a journey not a destination. Where I am now is totally different to where I was 2 years ago.

Does this mean that my vision of being able to use my story and my skills and experience to help as many people as possible is not going to happen because every time I talk about it I sink? In June I am talking to a bunch of schoolgirls. It’s a motivational talk to show that whatever your past you can still be successful in life. It won’t be as intense as the one yesterday so I guess I’ll see how this one affects me and take it from there.

London Marathon Pendant

I love my London Marathon medal. But it’s a bit big to wear all the time.

So I asked Sandra @littlefairycult on Twitter to make me a replica pendant that I could wear all the time.

It arrived today.

Isn’t it fabulous?

Now I can wear it everywhere I go.

A download to help Hayfever?

Last year for the first time the little one seemed to develop hayfever. We tried lots of things because I didn’t want to get into the habit of giving her anti-histamines.

We tried a thing called Haymax that you put under your nose but that didn’t really work.

We tried local honey and that worked pretty well until we travelled any distance and then it came back again.

In the end I decided I needed to use my Cognitive Hypnotherapy skills to help.

I discovered Hayfever happens because you fire off an immune response that is inappropriate given the nature of the threat i.e. it interprets pollen as a threatening virus.

Knowing this, I have developed an MP3 download that retunes your mind to think of all the other things it lets pass through your system that are harmless and apply that same response to pollen.

All you need to do is listen a couple of times the first day you get it and then daily for as long as you have any symptoms. I would expect you to see an immediate change in your symptoms, even to a small degree. Within 2 days most symptoms should be either gone or significantly reduced. It is most likely that eventually you won't need to listen anymore, but if you're symptoms ever return, just have a listen until they go again

**Please note the Hayfever download asks your immune system to react less to the pollen coming into your system and to treat it like it treats all the other grains that you breath in and process harmlessly. If you have some sort of auto-immune disease/condition or you have a heightened dependency on your immune system due to a known illness such as cancer I would advise you not to use it.

This download is just an MP3 file that can be put on any device. If you put it on your phone it means that you can listen to it whenever you have symptoms. Listening to this download will allow you to get on with your day in whichever way you want to.

This download is a one off cost of £5.99. Once purchased the file is yours to use as many times as you want on as many of your own devices as you need to. Anyone else wanting to benefit from the download will need to purchase their own copy.

To get the download you can either go to my website at Think it, Change it or you can just click on the Buy Now button below and get it through PayPal straight away

The little one doesn’t like to listen to my downloads “why are you talking like that mummy?” but I managed to play it while she slept last year (listening is the only sense that doesn’t sleep) and so far this year she seems to be a lot better!

A new world

This is a timely Gallery theme – New.

You see, as of today it is confirmed that I am leaving the day job. It is a mutual agreement. A recognition that the company and I aren’t good for each other. A recognition that despite having many skills I don’t have the necessary ones to do my job well in this company.

And so I have taken the plunge. Whilst the 30th June is my last day officially, I will have nothing to do after today.

This is the first time since I was about 25 that I’ve left a job without another one to go to. In the past I’ve always been poached or promoted into new roles without having to do anything.

It’s quite a lot scary.

I have a family to support.

So no more of this

A lot more of this (I plan on hanging out in Starbucks lots)

And a lot more time in here

Because I plan on making a big effort to build my therapy and coaching business. I have talks scheduled and a new subscription model to launch.

That said I don’t expect it will be generating enough income for me to go full time by the end of this year so I will probably do some part time consultancy. It will probably mean global travel – but hopefully not all through the month!

And the best bit?

I get to spend the whole summer with the little one (probably also in Starbucks!)

Run or Jog

Do you run or jog?

When I was training for the London Marathon last year I became obsessed with distance and pace. Each run either had to be further or faster (preferably both!)

Running wasn’t fun. It was about competing with myself and achieving something. I could spoil a perfectly good run by being disappointed in my pace or that I had not quite made the distance I wanted.

When I got back into running after the marathon I took up barefoot style – running in Vibrams and focussed more on the way I ran than any achievements.

And I discovered a love of running. I discovered why I choose to run.

I am basically going on a walk but doing it a bit faster.

I am jogging.

Because I run to clear my head, to enjoy nature, to get the endorphins, to enjoy nature.

Do you see anything in that list that is affected by pace or distance? I don’t.

I jog. I love to go for a jog.

If I wanted company I would go for a walk with someone. I don’t.

If I wanted competition I would enter 5k, 10k and half marathons. I don’t.

I just want to get out in the fresh air and have a lovely jog on my own.

On Sunday I was in a terrible mood due to various stuff that’s going on in my personal life at the moment. It was early so I decided to have a bit of a run. It was my plan to have a long-ish run but I wasn’t sure on route.

In the end I just played it by ear and went where I wanted to go.

I ran 5 miles and it was probably the best run I have ever done. I ran up every hill. Usually I walk up with there being so many of them. It was slow but that doesn’t matter because it was at a pace I could enjoy. As a result by the time I got home at the end of my run I felt brilliant. I felt that I could have kept on going.

The next day there are no more aches and pains than I would normally have. My body and my mind love that kind of run.

And just because it’s nice to feel a sense of achievement – I made the rainbow achievement in Nike+ yesterday thanks to that run.

Dad

I thought I’d try that title.

Dad.

Not “My father”

Dad.

Because that’s what I have in my life. My dad.

You have no idea how hard it is to type the word. To say the word in my head. It’s like every time I do I get a little stab in my heart.

Dad.

“With love, Dad”

That’s how he signs his emails to me.

They are written with fondness and with respect.

Our email exchange has been open and honest. On both sides.

“I love you. You are my daughter. Love and affection, Dad”

It hurts. It hurts way more than it should.

I have not had a dad since I was 9. I have had a stepfather. I have had a person who used to be my dad who wouldn’t talk to me any more.

A person who used to be my dad who didn’t want any contact with me.

A person who appeared to go to great lengths to hide my existence from my half-sister

A person who didn’t want me.

And now I have a dad.

A person who tells me he was in a very difficult situation. One I can understand completely.

A person who believes he made decisions that were in my best interest.

A person who has shared facts that include being given custody of 2 kids in the 70’s. A father being given custody. An unusual thing even in this day and age.

A person who has shown me a different perspective on my childhood that I can’t ignore. A perspective that no matter how I feel about him, fundamentally changes the way I see myself.

“With love, Dad.”

It might be true.

He might love me.

And that…that really hurts. So much so that the emotional pain becomes almost physical. Almost unbearable.

“I must say, I can not help but to be proud of you Dawn”

A new level of pain that has now reached almost unbearable.

What if it’s true?

What if I have a dad. Not a father. A dad.

Because that little girl inside of me that is so scared of the world wants her dad.

What I realise I want more than anything is to have a dad that will take me in his arms and tell me that everything is ok.

Tell me that he loves me and will look after me.

The past is behind us. It can’t be changed. There are no second chances and you can’t make amends for what has already gone.

What you can do is form a new relationship.

A relationship based on who you are now.

That’s what I’m trying to do. Build a new relationship with my dad recognising that neither of us are who we used to be.

I can barely stand to say dad. It hurts to hear he loves me. I can’t look at a photo of him without turning away in pain.

Will this change? He is trying. And so am I. I wish I knew why it hurts me so much.

Trevor is helping with perspective via email. Hopefully I will get a chance to go and see him and get rid of this pain so that I can accept my father as my dad.

Maybe, one day I too will sign my emails

“With love, Dawn”

Bank Holiday weekend.

Here is a collection of photos from our Bank Holiday Weekend together

Posh dress

**In this post I discuss a dress I was sent to try for free. It is from the Shapewear range from George at Asda. As you will see, what you are reading about it is entirely my own extremely warped opinion based on how I feel about myself in the dress. Judge for yourself what you think about the product!

This week I had to attend a black tie awards dinner.

I had one last year – the day after the London Marathon

This was me in last years dress – desperately trying to hide under a scarf.

I was getting prepared to wear it again this year – but with a different scarf – when I was contacted with an opportunity to try out the new Shapewear range from George at Asda

Now I don’t have a great relationship with tummy tucking stuff. I find it hard to choose a size that works for me (not too big so it’s ineffective and not too small so it cuts off circulation) and at the end of the day the fat has to go somewhere!

This is what they say about their range

The range is about making women feel comfortable with their bodies and also providing something that will make them feel more confident when out.

Dresses, peplum tops, skirts and trousers – hidden support and sculpts making the person wearing feel fantastic and more confident with the range of figure flattering styles.

Bum and Tum jeans – great fits with the stretchy material, supportive feel and high waist top.

Control Swimwear – Feel comfortable and look great on the beach – achieving a flattering look with great bust support and tummy control.

Underwear and hosiery control – great body control under a dress.

So it’s different because it’s clothes with the shaping stuff built into it.

And I noticed a dress in their range.

The timing seemed to provide a perfect opportunity to go ahead and try out something that I wouldn’t normally bother with. So I let them know and they sent me the dress to try out and review.

Firstly I had the difficult decision on size. I am a size 14 in jeans. I can wear 16 but they are too loose. I am not a size 12 though by any stretch of the imagination. And on top I am still a size 16 and even that can be tight. I am very much NOT used to wearing dresses so no idea at all what size dress I would buy.

Anyway, I decided to err on the side of caution and go for a 16. As it happens I think a 14 would have been better but at least with a 16 I could do the dress up myself. And move…and breathe!

So this is me in my dress at the awards and on the right, trying it on when I got it.

You see the problem is that I am overweight. Quite a lot. So not even squishing it all in with clever clothing hides that.

However…

The range is about making women feel comfortable with their bodies and also providing something that will make them feel more confident when out.

…You know that is absolutely right. I felt good in this dress (considering it is a dress and I don’t do dresses). I felt more confident in this one than in the other because I knew it was doing it’s best to help with my shape. I didn’t feel I need to adjust myself constantly to hide the bulge round my middle

Now while we are being all open and honest and stuff. Here are a couple of photos without the scarf (god knows how I was able to smile given what I was looking at! Probably why the second one is so blurry – it’s the shock!)

I was also supposed to get some jeans to try but they never arrived. I was more concerned with getting the dress to be honest so wasn’t that fussed!

Now given the choice of the two dresses, which would I wear? Without any doubt it would be the Shapewear one from Asda. It really is a clever little dress and I can imagine suitable for many different occasions – if you wear that kind of thing.

We won the award by the way. It was very exciting

Unlovable

I am broken.

I am flawed.

I am unlovable.

This has been my belief.

A belief that has defined my identity and remained despite finding happiness in who I am and in my life.

A belief based on being neglected and beaten by my stepmother.

A belief based on no apparent intervention to protect me by my father.

A belief based on being abused by my stepfather

A belief on being forced to remain under his care even when it was known what had happened.

A belief that if none of the responsible adults cared about me and loved me then I must be a horrible person. As a child, to receive that treatment I must be unlovable.

This week my father read my book and got in touch.

We have been emailing back and forth. He has signed every email “With love, Dad”

In every email he has told me how much he loves me.

In every he email, he has attempted to explain how he believed he was doing what was best for me, under difficult circumstances for everyone.

My father didn’t have to email me. He had nothing to gain from the communication and was at significant risk of me telling him to sod off.

I didn’t

We talked.

And each time he told me he loved me it hurt. It hurt because it’s totally against what I believe about myself.

I am in turmoil right now. Why does it hurt so much to even try to entertain the idea that I might not be flawed? That it is possible to love me.

I keep trying to think “What would happen if I accepted that I am ok – that I am loveable?”

And I can’t. It hurts too much right now to think that way.

Watch this space because things are changing…again…

The sleeper train

Every time I mention the sleeper train I get a lot of interest. So let me share some info

• I catch it at 11pm and get into Kings Cross or Euston at around 7pm
• On the way back I catch it at Euston at 9pm and get into Dundee at around 6am
• On the way out I sleep. The way back it stops a lot, loses some carriages at various points and makes a lot of noise so I rarely sleep
• It costs around £270 first class return which isn’t bad if you consider that includes transport, hotel accommodation (on the train) and brekkie
• You get a cabin. It can sleep 2 people and there is a possibility you’d share with a stranger(same sex)
• You get breakfast served to your cabin – continental or a hot brekkie.
• There is a lounge care exclusive to First class which has comfy seats and power
• There are no power sockets in your cabin
• You get a lovely little first class kit with shoe cleaner, ear plugs, flannel, socks, toothbrush and toothpaste, razor and shaving cream and soap
• There is a first class spacious toilet but no shower. You can however use the Virgin first class lounges at the stations and they do have a shower.

Cosy cabin

If you share the top bunk folds down.

Can’t really fault the brekkie. Even has Starbucks Via coffee