Hi, my name is Smurf, but you can call me Death Cat. It's a nickname the two-legs gave me and I rather like it. I am feared in these parts you know? Oh yes, even the foxes are in awe of me. You see I am a very skilled hunter. Good job too. Have you seen how big I am? I don't know what makes the two-legs feel that two meals of meat and a constant supply of biscuits is enough food to feed a growing cat like me.
And...it's a hell of a responsibility keeping the two-legs fed. It was hard enough work when there were just the 2 of them. Then little two-legs came along and I had to work twice as hard. Mind you, in fairness she shares her food with me so it's only fair.
Anyway, what I don't understand is why they don't seem to be grateful for the food I bring them. I mean, I try really hard to bring something sizeable home for each one of them. Impossible in the winter of course, but in the summer I am pretty good at it. I even put them in the two-legs' special places so they know who they're for.
Now I bet you're thinking "wow, you must get so much praise for that" aren't you? Well, get this, they shout at me! And they make me take the presents I brought them outside! Don't they know I can't eat it out there. Something might nick it. Not everything is as good at catching food as I am you know.
Anyway, they obviously don't mean it so I bring it back in. If I'm clever, and having made sure they don't want it, I can find a nice quite corner and have a good old munch in peace and safety.
But you'll never guess what happened today? I caught a rabbit. They are not easy to catch you know? They can run pretty fast and I have to wait long enough for the grown up rabbits to be looking away. Anyway, as usual, I bring home the rabbit and settle down to eat it. Then, little two-legs comes along and tries to nick it. I have to hold on to it's bum really tightly because she has grabbed it's ears and is trying to pull it away!
Don't get me wrong I'm all for sharing. She has some lovely food which I am quite happy to share but this was my rabbit. I let her know that in no uncertain terms. But she wasn't listening (like when she pulls my fur and my tail and it hurts!)
Soon the biggest two-legs appears starts shouting at me?! What's that all about - it was her who was nicking my rabbit. Then he had the cheek to kick me out of the house with my rabbit. Yes, of course, it meant the little two-legs had to let go, but it's cold and wet outside. Stupid two-legs, doesn't he know I can get right back in the house. Well he wasn't impressed when I came back in. Kept kicking me out. In the end I had to abandon my rabbit outside.
After all I do for this family you think they'd cut me a little slack wouldn't you?