So with 24 hours to think about it and try and process what happened in my session with Trevor yesterday, it is clear that the stick we removed was a very significant one. Most, if not all, of the remaining marbles have now dropped through (read previous posts for Kerplunk reference).
This, however, has consequences that you might not have imagined.
We took a different approach this time than in session 1. Unlike the Significant Emotional Event that Trevor dug out and used in session 1, this memory, was something I was very aware of. You might even call it a traumatic memory. As such, it spent it’s life safely locked away and I spent my life doing my best to go nowhere near it.
Think of it as a video clip.
Now this video clip, although safely locked away in the archives, was at such an early stage in the film reel of my life, and was such a key scene to explain the plot, that despite being locked away it played a massive role in my perception of who I am and how I interact with the world.
I was, of course, aware of it. I knew exactly where it was stored so I could avoid it at all costs.
The first step in rewriting this video clip was to fetch it from the archives and play it back *gulp*
One of the things I love about Trevor’s approach is you don’t have to go through every painful memory and talk about it ad infinitum or analyse it. In the case of this video clip, I didn’t need to tell Trevor anything about it (not that I could have) but I did need to feel it and live it so we could work on it *gulp again*. Did you realise that every time you recall a memory you change it based on your current perceptions before it get's stored again?
So that’s what happened. I sat with it. Even though it was a 60-90 minute session, this replay of the memory felt like hours. Eventually, we started working on it. When we did, it took a matter of minutes to turn it from a video clip into a photograph (a technique called rewind if you want to read Trevor’s book all about it “Cognitive Hypnotherapy: What’s that about and how can I use it?”) All the emotion was gone.
Now here’s the consequences. The rest of the film doesn’t make sense without that clip. That is why it is such a significant stick to remove in the kerplunk game. All the marbles fell through.
So instead of feeling all buzzed up and happy I feel flat and miserable. The way I have always defined myself is based on this “burden” I carried which I no longer do. So my whole life I have been in what Trevor calls “a state of protection” and now I have nothing that needs protecting.
So now what do I do?
The answer is to fill the space with positives. Love, happiness, fun etc. But I don’t know how. I have to learn. I have been trying over the last 6 weeks and made some great progress but not enough to deal with this huge void right now. My brain is used to misery. I am used to it rewarding misery. It is such a battle to stop it finding a way to fill that space with misery.
I will try. In fact I will make this work. But it’s really tough.
And that’s where I’m at right now. As usual, I’ll keep you posted on progress – in case you’re interested.