The Moiderer

Thinking Slimmer 5 months in

I have now been listening to my Thinking Slimmer track for 5 months.

It doesn’t feel like 5 months. It feels like only the other month that I started listening. Strange that isn’t it? When we want to lose weight quickly, you’d think 5 months was a long time but it isn’t when you are making slow and steady progress every week.

The biggest change is in my thinking (guess the clue is in the name of the product eh?) Most of us struggle with the willpower needed to stick to a diet for any length of time. We can find a way to motivate ourselves and can stick to it as long as there are results.

The challenge comes from the fact that we are “on a diet”. We have not changed our lifestyle, we are changing the way we behave, using willpower, for a time to achieve a goal. This means if you go on holiday, or go out for a nice meal, or have a birthday, then you allow yourself “time off” your diet. And in my experience, it’s really hard work to get going again after!

Once you are off the diet bandwagon, the weight often creeps back on, and some. For me, each time I went back to normal after being on a diet, I gained an additional 1-2 stone. Not good.

But this time, this is different.

I am losing weight and I am not on a diet. I don’t have to think about it or make any deliberate choices. I just get full quickly when I eat and I don’t feel like snacking very often. When I do snack, 2-3 mouthfuls later I don’t want any more. I don’t have the choice to stop it for the purpose of a holiday or a nice meal.

In fact, my friend has been babysitting once a week lately while I go out for a meal with my hubby. I am a cheap date. I don’t order a starter because there is no point and if I manage half a main course it’s a miracle. It is not a matter of choice. I am not thinking “I shouldn’t eat this but I really want it” I am thinking “Oh god, I can’t manage another mouthful but there’s loads of food on the plate still, how embarrassing!”

The other morning I took out a pair of trousers from my wardrobe and put them on. They fitted fine. I found a receipt in the pocket that was from 2003!

In my mind there is absolutely no question that I will continue to lose weight to my target of size 10/12 jeans. It is not an ‘if’, it’s a ‘when’.

Also there is no danger of putting the weight back on when I stop. Because there is nothing to stop!

It might be hard for those of you who have not tried this to understand what I have written here. In all honesty, it still feels weird for me. Let me summarise:

• I eat whatever I want. I just want to eat less.
• I feel fuller sooner when I sit down for a meal. I have cut my portions down by at least half and still rarely manage that
• If I want something nice to eat, I have it. Because I manage a couple of mouthfuls max I don’t have to consciously limit myself
• I am full of energy and confidence
• I run 6 out of 7 days in the week. I did a 10km run on Sunday. I never believed I would be able to run 10km (6.21 miles). I am planning a 10 mile run next
• I will continue to lose weight
• I won’t put it back on again.

Current status – WEIGHT

Target: Start point for 'healthy' weight is 11st6lbs

Start weight after 2 weeks :15st 11lbs

Weight after 20 weeks (18 weeks of measuring weight loss): 12st 8lbs 

Total weight loss so far: 3st 3lb

Current status – SIZE:

Target: Between size 10 and 12

Starting size: 20/22 (don't tell anyone will you I am really in denial on this!)

Size after 20 weeks: 14

*you can read my whole journey on Thinking Slimmer by clicking the Thinking Slimmer link at the top of the page*

Enough already

I’d forgotten how it felt.

This all engulfing misery. This voice constantly criticising.

Something has happened today.

Maybe it’s that for the last 3 mornings the little one has been up at 5:30. This morning the reason was she wanted food. Other mornings? who knows…

Maybe it’s the sheer incompetence of some of the people I work with and the disparity in the way they are treated versus the way I am. It seems it’s ok to refuse to do a critical piece of work. It seems it’s ok for a project manager to not put together the project plan.

Maybe it’s worries about the future, and the pressure I am putting the hubby under by making these changes in my life. Maybe it feels a little selfish to be doing something I want to do for the first time ever. But when the hubby has already given up so much for me, I am asking him to bear with me a little longer and accept a little more insecurity in the future. He never complains though – even though he should.

Maybe it’s that I’m still struggling to have faith in myself. To like myself.

Or maybe it’s just that I’m tired.

You see, I genuinely don’t know. I am over analysing because I’m trying to work out what has happened today. Why the hell do I feel so low? (it’s not hormones before you say that!)

A day when the hubby got up with the little one at 7 (she’d been up since 5:30 and I’d been trying to persuade her back to sleep) and I just went back to sleep saying “sod the world, I don’t care”. I got up at 8:30 and went on a call at 9am where I had to put a load of work on a new guy because someone else had refused to do it. I went for my run after, running 2.25 miles in my fastest time 24:04 minutes, in the hope that it would clear my head. It didn’t.

Then the little one got hold of some hair gel. We noticed because she was hiccupping and when the hubby asked her what she’d eaten she took him to that. She can’t have eaten much but it caused panic and a bit of a row. In the middle of everything.

Did I mention I was tired?

What I do know is that it’s just a bad day. I need to accept that it will happen and it will pass. Tomorrow will be different.

The Gallery–Home

I have lived in 10 different parts of the UK. In my childhood, moves often didn’t happen with “stuff” so I have no real attachment to where I live.

However, I do have a strong attachment to what I see when I look out of my window or step out of my door. My least favourite place to live was Watford because I was nowhere near the sea and nowhere near the hills and nowhere near the fields.

Looking at Snowdonia from Beaumaris, Anglesey, North Wales

The beach at Portmeirion, North Wales

Looking at Caernarfon castle from a cottage on Anglesey, North Wales

The view of the Tay road bridge and Dundee from Fife, Scotland

The sea at Arbroath, Scotland

A typical view from my living room window, Scotland

A view of the harbour in Aberdeen on a wild day, Scotland

On a boat on Loch Lomond, Scotland

A local path I can reach by walking from my house, Scotland

A golden sandy beach at Broughty Ferry, 15 minutes drive from my house, Scotland

For me – home is about where I can get to from where I live, and not really the bricks and mortar

This was all put together for this weeks gallery over at sticky fingers where the subject is "Home"

Running reflections

                  Red sky in the morning, shepherds warning.

The sky was on fire this morning. It was gorgeous.

I set out for my run and it was mild and still. As I came off the road and onto the path I could see the sky ablaze with the sunrise in front of me and, not for the first time, wished my eyes could take photo’s.

I smiled to myself as I looked forward to my run and began to reflect on how my life has changed so much lately.

I looked along the path, breathing easily (it was early in the run!) and enjoying the deep pink sky. The rest of the sky is grey and cloudy and if I hadn’t gone for this run I would never have known about the gorgeous sunrise. 

I randomly swallowed flies and swept spider webs out of my face. The spiders have been busy. Despite the music being played through my headphones I could hear the crows cawing and the thud of my feet on the muddy path.

I smiled again, thinking of the spider webs, as I felt like Indiana Jones running away from a temple being chased by a giant rock!

But for the first time, I’m not running away from anything.

I am running towards something. I decided that today would be a 5km run because the conditions are so perfect and once more I look forward to the path ahead. I can do this. This is easy. 3 miles before I get going on my day. Oh how times have changed.

I smile again.

The path ahead reminds me to think of my future and the path I am now on.

In less than a month I attend the first weekend of my Diploma in Cognitive Hypnotherapy training. I am hugely excited. I love learning and I love that I can learn something that will help others. I have already benefited from what I have learnt so far. Both for me and those I care about.

I am all ready. I am getting a new iPad2 for my birthday in a couple of weeks for taking notes during the course and for doing Facetime with the little one and the hubby while I’m away. I have a powermat coming for charging up all my technology. I have the right bag and new Doc Marten boots so I can walk to my friends house from the station on a Saturday evening and Sunday morning. I am ready.

And I know now that this is my future.

I run comfortably past the 1 mile marker. It’s not a fast pace at just under 12 minutes but it’s good enough. I keep going.

I will become a Cognitive Hypnotherapist when I finish my training. I will initially practice at weekends and evenings. I will hopefully move to a 4 day working week and then eventually quit altogether. I need to keep a regular income for the family.

So now, the craziness of my current job no longer matters. I can handle everything because I know, one day, it will end and I will be doing something hugely worthwhile with my life. I will be doing for others what Trevor has done for me.

I reach the 1.6 mile point on the path and turn around and come back. I would prefer not to retrace my steps but there is no real option.

Besides, when you approach things from a different direction they look very different don’t they?

It’s a different path in this direction. I take a different route to avoid the really muddy patches. The spider webs have now been broken. The sunrise is over and the sky is just grey. My breathing is heavier and I am sweating now. But I’m still running. This is easy. I can do this.

As I pass the 2 mile marker I remember how I used to have to stop and walk at this point but now I keep running. I reach 2.5 miles and have a hill to climb. A hill I used to walk up but now I run. I just keep going.

3 miles pass and I join the road again. I begin to sprint the last 100 yards or so to my house. My arms are pumping and I am breathing heavily and sweating.

I can do this. I feel good.

Oh how my life has changed. I am told the best is yet to come but for now, things are looking pretty good.

I ran 10km for fun

Each Sunday I run a little further. I want to make 10 miles (10km is 6.21 miles) and might do it this Sunday as I look at the possible routes. 10 miles. I think I have lost the plot. Not only am I running every day, and achieving bigger distances, but I’m planning my runs in advance!

This week I desperately tried for a 10 minute mile but only managed 10:11 so it was good to get the 10k achievement under my belt.

I am doing this for fun. I can’t believe it. I think I have to say I am a runner now.

Thinking Slimmer Part 15–end of week 19

I can’t believe next week I will have been on Thinking Slimmer for 5 months.

Whenever we go on something we want to see instant results and I guess I have been lucky that the early weight loss was pretty rapid. It helps with the motivation.

For the last month or so it has very much evened off with very little weight loss. I mean that strictly in the pounds of course, not in terms of size.

The way I see it, my rapid weight loss was a bit of a smokescreen and a bit of a lie. I really appreciated it for motivation. It helps to stand on the scales and see the weight reducing. It really helped to be able to quote my weight with a 12 in front of it.

But at the same time I have only just really had the physical frame of a 12 stone something person (14lbs in a stone for my American friends, 1kg is 2.2lbs for my European friends). It is only recently that you might look at me and think “She’s a size 14/16 and between 12 and 13 stone”.

I think, at last, my stomach is starting to fall in line with the weight loss elsewhere although it’s still way too big for my liking. It means if I wear a tighter fitting top I’m really self conscious of all the “wobbly” bits hanging out over the top of my jeans. But then I can’t wear size 16 jeans without a belt. 

In other news I RAN 10KM TODAY (6.21 miles) – FOR FUN! And it only took me 1 hour and 15 minutes. Considering I ran 5.7 miles (9.15km) last week in 1 hour 13 minutes that’s pretty good I think. I don’t have a race I am training for although I really need to book something with this kind of progress. It would be a real achievement.

Yep, it’s easy to forget that the messages in the slimpod that I listen to daily are far broader than losing weight. They are about confidence and energy and moving more too. Suddenly I find I am a runner. I run 6 days of the week. I thought running 5km was amazing. I never believed I could run 10km. But it appears I can.

I am actually getting another problem that I need to address. I really don’t have much of an appetite right now. This is brilliant for weight loss, but I am feeling tired every day. It’s weird, because I feel like I have energy, but I just feel like I need to sleep. I’ve started taking vitamins and drinking more water. But I think I am struggling to eat 1000 calories worth of food in a day and I think I need to try and up that somehow. Not sure how because I really don’t want to eat!

Current status – WEIGHT:

Start weight after 2 weeks :15st 11lbs

Weight after 19 weeks (17 weeks of measuring weight loss): 12st 9lbs

Total weight loss so far: 3st 2lb

Current status – SIZE:

Starting size: 20/22 (don't tell anyone will you I am really in denial on this!)

Size after 19 weeks: 16 heading towards 14 ( I have been reliably informed that Monsoon size 14s will probably fit!)

*you can read my whole journey on Thinking Slimmer by clicking the Thinking Slimmer link at the top of the page*

Saturday Snapshots

Despite having spent the day in London yesterday, leaving the hubby at home and reaching the end of his tether with the little one, we decided I would still have my lie-in today. The hubby wanted to have a mega catch-up sleep!

The little one had nicked one of the kids bits of toast at nursery mid-week without the teacher noticing, so she has been in full-on distress wheat-intolerance symptoms. This ranges from painful stomach cramps to grabbing herself and getting distressed around going to the toilet. It usually clears in about 3 days. She also loses the ability to know when she needs the loo too. As I write this she has just done a poo in her knickers. Most unlike her.

When I got up this morning he was about to totally lose it.

So I pretty much straight away took her to the gym for her Saturday swim

She then played in the soft play area as usual while I had a coffee.

This week my network hard drive went kaput, so I had it in with a repair shop who transferred the data onto a good old fashioned USB drive. I needed to go into town to pick that up and the little one was asking for a Starbucks so off we went.

Then we took a wander round town to get her some books and to get me a new phone (failed!) because I have sand in the speaker of mine! We got a load of books and when we got home we read a couple.

We then headed to the garden so that she could have some sandpit time! Note Spud is now her cat not ours!

She wanted to go under the car like Spud had just done!

Circular table therefore must walk round it in circles!

After dinner she played with the Playmobil motorhome that I bought her from Costco. It wasn’t very expensive and has been a big hit with her. I remember having a Syndy horse and caravan when I was younger which I loved. This reminds me of that. It took quite some putting together on my part but it was worth it.

All in all we were out from 9:30am this morning until after 2pm which was good going and it was all good fun. It gave the hubby a good chance to recover. Although I am dreading being away on my course 1 weekend a month (3 nights) when after 1 day there are so many problems.

Anyway, another fun Saturday.

I had a bit of a low this morning after being on such a massive high yesterday, but started to recover as the day went on and I think I am pretty much back to happy now.

I don’t know how to write this

I have blogged since the very first day I embarked, with significant trepidation, on my journey to receive help from Trevor Silvester and his approach called Cognitive Hypnotherapy.

I have brought you with me on this journey.

All my posts are here but you should scroll right back and start from the first one. It is good for me to read back and see how far I’ve come in such a short space of time. My first session was June. My second August. My 3rd today.

Finished.

And now I am lost for words.

All I can do is smile. Yep. Smile.

I am so ridiculously happy. And comfortable in myself.

As I sat today talking to Trevor in our final session, we discussed all sorts of things. But most of all we laughed and smiled. I laughed and smiled.

We had a couple of final small details to try and smooth out. But we talked about the books I am reading that he recommended. We talked about the course that I start on at the end of October. We talked about gadgets.

And when I left we had a quick hug.

And all of this was totally brilliant.

So I am lost for words because somehow, at this moment, words are way too inadequate to describe how I feel.

I can’t possibly describe to you what a fundamentally different person I am now to just a few short months ago.

I can’t possibly describe to you how excited I am about my future.

I can’t possibly describe to you how lucky I feel to have met, and had help from, Trevor

I can’t find words to describe how grateful I am to him for all that he has done for me.

I can’t find words to describe how amazing each moment of my day is right now.

I can’t find words to describe my excitement about continuing to learn things that will help my family and friends also share in this happiness and have better lives.

There are no words.

For 20 years I have been broken and I thought I would always be that way.

But today I have been fixed.

That is something to laugh and shout about don’t you think?

You can read about my whole journey by clicking the “Positive of the day” link at the top of this page

Easy as 1, 2, 3

Number 1 Harley Street

2 amazing people

3 cognitive hypnotherapy sessions

That’s what it has taken to change my life.

After 38 years (39 in a couple of weeks!) my life has been turned around and is amazing!

Tomorrow I have my final Cognitive Hypnotherapy session with Trevor in London. Session number 3. I was terrified before session number one and just as terrified before session number two. This one I am looking forward to. A sure sign that I’m at the end.

But I’m only at the beginning really because at the end of October I start my Diploma in Cognitive Hypnotherapy which will open up a whole new chapter in my life.

At the same time I am still going with Thinking Slimmer thanks to the amazing support from Sandra. I have now lost at least 3st 2lbs since I started on it 18 weeks ago.

I am looking at buying size 14 jeans because most of the size 16s are too big. I am still working my way through clothes in my wardrobe because I have been on a diet most of my life it seems. But this isn’t a diet. This is a new way of life and a new way of thinking.

And for the first time in a long time I am feeling very comfortable with who I am both inside and out.

And I am happy.

It seems it’s as easy as 1, 2, 3

New boots

*squeaaaaaaaaal*