A meltdown in a mall

Today I was down in Watford in preparation for a volunteering day with work tomorrow planting trees.

I used to live here so I arrived early afternoon and managed to get a haircut in Toni and Guy. This is always interesting because while you have your hair washed you sit in a chair that massages you and they massage the conditioner into your hair too. Unusually I found this quite a pleasant experience. Things must be changing eh?

I then had my hair cut nice and quickly. The hairdresser kept on asking if i was sure i didn't want my hair blow dried and I had to say yea a number of times! She charged me less because of it too. Normally I hate the hairdressers because i hate being forced to sit in front of the mirror. Today was ok though.

Then I met up with Sandra. I have a big awards dinner for work after the marathon and I don't have suitable clothes in my wardrobe. Neither do I have any idea how to buy something for an event like that. Sandra kindly offered to help.

Now I don't normally try clothes on because

1. I am uncomfortable getting changed in 'public' places
2. I hate how I look
3. I hate it when things don't fit

But in this instance it was necessary because i have lost weight and who's to know what fits. So having already become somewhat stressed by even the thought of picking clothes, I headed to the fitting rooms in John Lewis with an outfit Sandra had helped pick in a couple of sizes. A 14 and a 16. Now I don't wear anything in a 16 anymore but it was best to be sure.

Sure enough the 14s didn't fit and the 16 trousers were tight and the top too tight to wear.

All I wanted to do was run away. I was, by now, feeling hugely stressed and very fat. The view of my body as I tried these clothes on was gross and there was no way I was in a position to decide if something looked right. But I need an outfit and I need Sandra's help so I suggested we try another shop and off we went. We decided on smart black trousers and a top. This time we went to Coast.

Again I tried on two sizes of trousers, 14 and 16. The 16s fit and the 14s didn't. By now all hope was lost. I couldn't do it any more. I paid a ridiculous price and bought the trousers.

We went to M&S and when we spotted a sparkly top I bought the size 16 without trying it on. By now I was barely clinging to any semblance of control.

So I have an outfit.

I am big and fat and horrible. I've had enough of being me now. Doesn't matter what I do there seems to be nothing that stops me being fat. I know I've come a long way but I have so far to go.