This is a “feeling sorry for myself” post.
I need to write it out because one day I won’t feel like this, but I do right now.
On the Quest forum (the one where the Cognitive Hypnotherapists go to discuss stuff) there has been a discussion thread about forgiveness.
And the gist has been, that to truly grow and move on from our protection state, then we need to learn to forgive those we feel wronged us, and also, the gold standard, forgive ourselves.
I’ve been thinking about this.
And I’m not ready.
Not ready to forgive anyone. Definitely not myself. I have no appetite for it. And I have to ask myself – what’s that about? What do I gain from not letting go versus what I would gain from forgiveness?
Logically I know I should. Subconsciously I can’t. And it’s like a weight holding me back. Limiting me in so many ways.
Like right now.
Last week, I had a twinge in my thigh before I went on my 3 hour run.
About 10 minutes into the run the muscle had warmed up and all was fine.
But when the muscle cooled down again it was way worse. It was no longer twinging only when I ran but actually really painful when I walked. So much so I am limping a little as I walk.
So I bought a heat pack, and some pain relief gel. I started stretching it out. I got some advice about a foam roller and bought one of those. So far it is stopping me exercising which is ok but not ideal.
What I should do is go and get a sports massage or go and see a physio. Because that would sort it. It really only is a muscular thing. There are less than 4 weeks until I run the London Marathon and I need to look after myself for the big day.
But you see, I can’t. I am too scared. The very thought of going to see someone, of having a massage, of that level of contact is terrifying for me. It is truly pathetic. There is nothing to be scared of.
Like with forgiveness, there is nothing to lose and everything to gain.
And yet I can’t do it.
So right now I feel pathetic and useless and it’s drowning out all my achievements. It’s like they mean nothing because there is this one thing that I should be able to do but can’t.
So yes, I’m feeling pretty down on myself right now.
And one day in the future, I will read this post and smile, because it will help me once more understand how far I’ve come in my journey.
But that day is a long way off…