The Moiderer

The Gallery - Sunshine

The sun is a bright ball of flame in the sky

We know what it does, the reason why…

But if you want to know what the sun really means

You need to look at the fall of sunbeams

As they land on the water and bounce around

As they cut through the raindrops when they hit the ground

The beauty of the sun is not the flame in the sky

It isn’t the fact that you can see it up high

It’s the way it dances with the land all around

It’s the way it reflects off the colours on the ground

 

This was all put together for this weeks gallery over at sticky fingers where the subject is "Sunshine"

Barefoot running

On the recommendation of Trevor (he really is trouble that bloke!) I bought a book called “Born to Run” by Christopher McDougall. It is, above all, a really good read.

But it is also inspiring.

Because it talks about how we are naturally built to run and how wearing Nike style running shoes stops the natural motion of our feet and bodies as we run. It seems we are so concerned about getting the right shoes, orthotics etc that we have forgotten that our feet are designed for running on – anything else just gets in the way! And this is why most runners suffer a continual stream of injuries – because we are fighting our bodies natural gait all the time.

As you will know if you have been following this blog, I really don’t like running but nevertheless I do it every day because I need the time to clear my head. I also need the endorphin rush it gives me to get through a day sat at a desk on conference calls. And lastly I like that it keeps me fit at the same time.

I run rather than do other forms of exercise I enjoy more because I can just walk out of my door at any time of day and run. Everything else requires equipment and/or travel time which makes me less likely to do it.

So I read this book and I thought “that makes sense, I might try it”

There are essentially three things that you need to make sure of.

1. Placement. Your foot should strike the ground toe first if you are running naturally. If you wear full trainers which have a built up sole then they force you to land on your heel. I have swapped to running in my Converse because they have almost no sole but I have also ordered some Vibrams.

2. Posture. Most people run leaning forward slightly. To get the most out of the barefoot style you should have a straight back with your head up and not tipped forward at all. In the book Chris talks about being trained with a rope around his middle so when I run I imagine that and almost run with my hips pushed forward. Your arms are held high up as you run but if you get your posture right this is natural. 

3. Pace. You run with a far shorter pace – they say 180 beats a minute – with this running style. If feels a bit like you’re running on hot coals but the shorter stride is important with the other 2 points.

Now I am no expert on this. I am very much learning how it works but what I can say is that I love it. I mean, seriously, I enjoy running this way. It feels so much easier than my previous style. Rather than fighting gravity it feels like you are light and gliding as you run.

As I practice and it becomes more natural I am expecting to be able to cover greater distances more easily. At the moment my pace has slowed by about a minute while I get it right but I am running the 2 miles before work easily.

So I will keep you posted how it goes with my new barefoot running shoes but I can’t see going back to the old way of running now.

I have included a video off YouTube which I feel gives quite a nice clear explanation of barefoot running.

Brilliant Photo’s

I had a local photographer, Shaun Ward, come and take some photos for my new business website. While he was here he took some of the little one and of both of us together. There are some real beauties in here.

Fun with friends

The little ones friends from school came over to play in the sun yesterday. They had a great time

What forgiveness means

Following on from my "I forgive you" post I wanted to give you some more on what led me to that point and what it means in my day to day life.

Children up until the age of 10 or so, tend to have limited processing skills. If they thought about running a race they might understand that they came first or second, they might even understand that they nearly won if they are a little older but they wouldn't understand all the shades of grey around the effort they put in, how the others in the race performed, the conditions etc. And it is with that limited thinking that memories are stored in our subconscious for use as a foundation for everything we do in later life.

As we become adults we gain the ability to process our thoughts in a multi dimensional way with all those different shades of colour. Now, when we look back on those childhood memories, it is with the deeper understanding rather than the understanding that was used by the child at the time.

I guess you can see how that can end up with a disconnect? I view events from my childhood and try to understand them with my adult perspective and it is a hugely inaccurate way to do it.

Also you know that term "hindsight is a wonderful thing"? Well what makes hindsight so powerful is the whole concept of "if I knew then what I know now".  So at any given point, we make the best choices we can with the information available based on our circumstances. Obviously, when we can see consequences we have more information but we don't know that at the time. This is why I don't believe in regrets.

And we as we get older we can't remember everything so we tend to forget what we feel is insignificant (forget consciously not sub consciously) and accentuate what we feel is significant.

So for me, coming to the realisation that all those events throughout my childhood were responded to in the best way I knew how to at the time, given my circumstances and the ability I had as a child, allowed me to leap that chasm. To believe in myself because I accepted I did the best I could at the time. And with this new insight I could also see all those occasions where I really did something unusually brave given my circumstances.

And for the first time in my life I have stopped beating myself up. I have allowed myself to accept my achievements. Before I hated myself so much that I refused to accept that anything good I did was because of a good quality in me. Now I can accept that I have done great things that I can be proud of.

So do I bounce out of bed every day and sing songs to the birds like a Disney princess? Not at all!

I have shadows. A lifetime of self-loathing and misery doesn't disappear that easily. But I have an answer to that critical voice now if it does crop up. I don't need to listen to it anymore.

I also feel a huge sense of freedom. I am unburdened by the need to caveat everything that happens with "ah, but you're crap"

Unfortunately that sense of freedom also applies to food. My emotional connection to it has gone and now all I want to do is eat! I am trusting in my slimpod right now in the hope it will kick in better control again soon.

I am getting to know myself from scratch. I am learning how to interact with the world all over again. It's interesting!

Saturday Snapshots

What a beautiful day it has been. The goal today was to chill. Yesterday I set up the pool I got from Costco so today the little one was in it a lot

I also got her the most enormous bear from Costco!

So we went to the cinema – which has become our new Saturday tradition. We watched Pirates for the second time and this time she sat all the way through to the end

And then she played in the arcade

And the rest of the day was either in the pool or inside building things from bricks

It was a very chilled out day.

I discovered that since taking all those clothes that were too big to the charity shop, I no longer have any summer clothes. So tomorrow I will need to go shopping!

I forgive you

This is a letter from the adult me to the child me.

Dear Dawn,

It must have seemed like a pretty tough break all these years. Having gone through your formative years having to fight for survival after been dealt a pretty poor deck of cards on the family front, you then had to take a barrage of abuse and hatred from me.

I'm sorry for that.

I was confused. I blamed you. I blamed you for doing whatever you needed to do to survive until you could get out on your own and control your own life. I misinterpreted your approach as weak and pathetic where I can see now you were strong and determined.

There were moments too where you were hugely brave. Despite the fear you had and the dependency of being a child you stood up for yourself countless times in ways where even once would have been a massive achievement. I can think of three or four times where you did something amazing to stand up for yourself (that kick that broke his ribs will always make me smile) It wasn't your fault that it made no difference to your circumstances. I can see that now.

It worked though because you survived and you have this amazing life with the most amazing people in it. That is because of who you are.

I'm sorry I blamed you. I was hurting. It seemed so unfair. Everything I did felt like a "despite..." not a "because of..." and I was always looking for answers. I see now that there were no answers. Sometimes shit happens. Sometimes shit happens lots.

I think we have both struggled to see that this wasn't about us.

I have blamed you. I thought you pathetic and useless. I felt you held me back because no matter what I achieved in my adult life I felt you had let me down when I was a child. I was wrong.

It's because of you that I am who I am. I am strong and determined. I respect people irrespective of who they are or where they've come from. And now I am doing the most amazing thing because I am using everything we've been through to help other people. Without you, that wouldn't be possible.

So I'm sorry. But I don't forgive you, because I realise now there is nothing to forgive.

Instead I want to thank you. Thank you for looking after me and for getting me to where I am now.

Shrinking fat bird…

3 years ago ish I looked like this

And yesterday I looked like this

Looks like one of those adverts you see on Facebook doesn’t it? Except they say it will only take 6 weeks or something!

Bedtime

A good few months ago now, we changed the bedtime routine because it was getting out of hand.

I loved the idea of lying with the little one while she went to sleep but she gradually played it up more and more so it was taking over an hour to be leave the room.

With me being away at least once a month it was also not practical for the hubby.

So we changed.

We do the usual brushing of teeth. I lay in bed with her and read a story, and then the light goes out and I sing hush little baby.

A cuddle and a kiss and then I leave the room.

After a couple of nights of hell she took to the routine really well.

So much so that it took me a long time to come downstairs and just get on with something else because I was always expecting her to be coming out of the room screaming.

She was totally amazing and our evenings were transformed. She was in bed and settled by 7:15pm every night.

Notice the past tense?

The last 3 nights she’s changed again (why can’t kids just stick to a routine?!)

We follow the normal routine and then she bounces out of bed after me saying she doesn’t want to go to bed yet. Yesterday she was saying it was still light. But it has been for a long time now and she has blackout blinds in her room so it’s nice and dark.

We’ve been trying everything – ignoring, the stern line, bribery, reasoning and in fairness she’s usually settled again by 7:30pm but not before we all go through lots of stress and tears. It’s an awful way to do bedtime.

I really hope this habit breaks again soon!

Ha! I ran the marathon

I know, I know, this is old news isn’t it?

But you see I haven’t been able to acknowledge it. All I could see was how I failed. I didn’t run for enough of it. I didn’t have enough energy because I didn’t have the right breakfast.

All the things I knew I should have done I hadn’t.

So completing the marathon gave me no sense of achievement. No buzz. I felt as flat at the end as I had at the start.

In the last 2 weeks I’ve been able to get back to my morning run before I start work. This is the run that I started to clear my head. This is the run that I did to give me energy to get through my day. I need this run.

So yesterday morning, as I ran along the path on my 2 mile route I was thinking.

I thought “This is not easy”

I thought “I should be finding this a lot easier shouldn’t I, I ran 26.2 miles after all”

And then I realised.

Running is not easy for me.

6 hours and 21 minutes was a great achievement for someone like me who doesn’t even like running and struggles to run 2 miles!

I was being way too hard on myself – beating myself up for not running more of the 26.2 miles – but I struggle to run 2.

26.2 miles was an amazing achievement for me.

And now I know I can do it. I have nothing left to prove.

As I struggled along on my 2 mile route I realised that just doing this regularly was an achievement. Getting out and running when I find it so hard is an achievement.

Running a marathon – no matter how long it took – is an achievement when you don’t even enjoy running.

And so now I think I can have a beer and celebrate the fact that I ran the London Marathon this year…and I never have to run a race again. 2 miles a day is fine.