This is a difficult time of year for me. It always will be since Adam was born on the 6th July 2007 and died on the 5th August 2007.
A piece of me died with him on that day.
And yet this year, I am in a far better place to cope with his memory than I've ever been. In past years it has been a matter of surviving through the months from June through to August. And then again with his original due date being my birthday in October I chose not to celebrate my birthday for a while.
Last year was the worst year for me since he'd died. Because I'd just started seeing Trevor and so much was raw inside of me. I had just started to unlock those emotions that I'd kept so safely buried away when I hit this super emotional time of year.
There were tears and there were meltdowns. I'm not expecting meltdowns this year but there will still be tears. Controlled tears though. As I remember. As I remember as many moments as I can from his time with us. It hurts. And I know it doesn't have to hurt to prove I loved him but it still hurts because it feels so unfair.
Because this year, as the little one turns 4, he would have been 5. But then, if he hadn't died we wouldn't have had the little one. How's that for a thought eh?
So this year I am focussing on remembering him. And crying about it when I need to because I know I have enough control these days to be able to cry without totally losing it. And I'm not going to a stupid meeting this year like I did last year. In fact I'm having that week off.
I just hope I can also support the hubby through it because he's had to come to this point without all the help I've had.
It's a crappy time of year but we'll get through it like we always do and maybe, appreciate those moments with the little one even more than usual because she is so precious.