…to the new me.
I am now who I always have been but never realised it. I am a strong and determined person who has a great sense of fun. I love people and I love my life. Most of all I love the hubby and the little one. And these days I have fun with all of that. I enjoy who I am and what I do.
This is the Dawn I was always supposed to be.
Let me take you on my journey.
The room is bare. The walls are grey and there are no curtains but the windows are so dirty that there is very little light coming into the room. It's not quiet though. There are muffled sounds coming from outside of the room. A sign of a world out there. Of lives being lived. Occasionally there is laughter.
I am in the corner of this room. Trying to make myself as small as I possibly can so as not to be noticed. I am wearing a nightie and am sat with my knees up to my chest with my nightie over them and my arms wrapped around them.
My head is down and I am sobbing.
I am hiding. But it's not working because I can't hide from what's inside my head. And that's why I'm sad. I am tired of trying and I just want to disappear.
I can hear the world carrying on around me and I really want to be part of it. I'm jealous when I hear the laughter. But I'm too scared.
Then one day a man comes into the room. He sits down next to me. He talks to me. He shows me what the stuff in my head means. He helps me understand that it's not my choice it's there. He helps me get rid of it. Then he leaves the room and I think about what I've learnt.
The next day, when he comes in I'm no longer crying and I am staring out of the dirty windows. I even manage to smile at him. He walks over to the windows and cleans them to let the light in. It's a bit of a shock and I'm too scared to look out of them yet but we chat some more. He helps me understand that I can look out of the windows, that those demons in my head don't have control over me.
The next day when he comes I am stood up looking out of the window. There are great things to see out there and it is giving me pleasure to watch them. I smile at him as he walks in. He joins me as we look out of the window. We chat and he gets me thinking about what it might be like to be part of the world outside the window. When he leaves I watch him. Noticing for the first time the door that he has walked in and out of. He stops at the door to wave. To reinforce that option.
It's a couple of days before he comes again. By the time he does I have tried opening that door. I have started to think about stepping out but am not brave enough. He takes my hand and we walk through the door together. There are so many people and things outside. It's amazing. I'm excited and he shows me that I am part of this world. That it's been my choice to stay in the room. This time when he leaves I stay outside of the room.
I enjoy this world. I realise how much I have missed. I talk to people and visit other rooms and really enjoy it.
But there's still something. I keep going back to my room because I don't feel like I should be part of this. I feel like an imposter. Because I still hate myself.
One day, as I explore I come across the man in one of the rooms. And we chat. And he teaches me that there was no reason for me to be in that room in the first place. It was not my fault that I was there. He show's me that I have a choice. I have walked through the door and now I can do anything I want. This time I walk out and run and sing and have fun and feel no need to go and find the man again.
I know he'll always be there if I need him anyway.
And that's where I am.
I have my own thoughts back in my head and they are such happy buoyant thoughts it's just brilliant. I didn't know this is what it would be like. I had no idea what the world would be like for me without those demons.
I feel connected to people and everything in a way I didn't know was possible. Without the fuck off shield there is no resistance and people, contact, openness - nothing is scary anymore
I am planning my 40th birthday in October. I want a big party with all my friends there and I'm so excited. Before I would have hated the thought of that
I am me. Unconstrained by defence mechanisms. No longer kept in my place mentally by a voice that hates me.
I am free to be whoever I want to be. And that is so much fun
Less than 1 year after my first Cognitive Hypnotherapy session with Trevor I've moved from a curled up ball of a person who was scared of the world and hated herself to a person is stood on top of a hill with her arms spread, free and laughing like Maria from the Sound of Music (without the singing - don't panic)
Now when the little one asks "Are you happy mummy" then I answer
This is the beginning of my life. I can’t believe it’s taken me 40 years to get here but I fully intend of making the most of it from this point forward!