A good song is all about the angst isn't it?
All the emotion.
I would have made a brilliant songwriter. The "oh woe is me" lyrics would have been amazing. Maybe Kelly Clarkson could have sung my songs.
Mind you, there haven't been that many songs written about childhood abuse.
Maybe that's too angst ridden even for a song.
All I know is that I've spent my life in pain. Emotional not physical, although I've tried for the physical stuff - feeling I deserved it. Relishing how real it was compared to the stuff in my head.
Avoidance seemed to work well too. Avoid the things that caused me pain. But that never really worked all the time because whenever I came into contact with anyone or anything from my past the pain was condensed into the time of that contact.
Denial was my weapon of choice. Eliminate all emotion and then you don't deal with the risky ones. But although I believed that worked I can see now it didn't. I was miserable and I was hurting. That's emotion. All it meant is I didn't allow myself any of the good stuff.
I should have written some songs.
But how was I to know that it was possible to move on from all of that?
Would you believe it if I told you it is possible to have suffered all sorts of different abuse throughout your childhood and then one day be totally happy. To not feel even a pinch of pain? To be able to discuss that abuse with someone and it to feel like you were discussing a book about someone else instead of your life, your experiences?
I wouldn't have believed it.
But it seems it is in fact possible.
It seems that all the trauma I have experienced in my life is left as mere words on a page. Admittedly words not yet written.
But they are words and not feelings and as I spoke with my sister last week it amused me to note the absence of the familiar feelings. The absence of the need to shut down and protect myself.
This last week has taught me that I have come a huge distance now.
My past is just a story in an unwritten book. And I have missed my chance to make my millions from song writing.
Ah well, I will just have to make it another way!