It was supposed to be a chance to celebrate.
For the first time in my life it’s a birthday where I want to celebrate life. Celebrate turning 40.
I thought it would be great to have a big party and all the people I know could come along and have fun and join me in that celebration.
I’ve never wanted to celebrate before because I never believed I was worth it. After all, who’d want to come to my party? Why would they? My 40th would have gone by with barely a nod of the head. I would have mentioned it of course, but as with last years there wouldn’t have been even a card from the little one and the day would have gone past as any other day.
But because everything is so different now, I decided to go for it.
My friend is doing the organising. We have booked out the local community hall. We have book one of the 10 people lodges on a park nearby so that people can stay.
My birthday is on a Friday but the party is on a Saturday so people have more of a chance of making it and the lodge is booked for 3 nights.
I went to Facebook which is where all my friends ‘live’. You see I have very few local friends. I have travelled extensively with work so my friends are all over the UK and indeed all over the world. Facebook is how we all remain connected.
I created an event and invited over 70 people.
...and reminded occasionally.
Then the ‘declines’ started coming in.
And a few ‘maybes’ that started becoming ‘declines’ too.
And now I have 6 definite ‘accepts’.
About 15 ‘declines’.
The ‘maybe's’ are turning into ‘declines’.
And people have very good reasons. Cost. Other priorities. All good reasons.
And now I am thinking I was stupid to believe that I could have a big birthday bash. Because that’s not just the way it is with me is it? I’m not the sort of person that people go out of their way to celebrate with. And I guess that so much has changed, I lost sight of that for a moment.
So now I am seriously thinking of downgrading because there will be nothing sadder than a big empty hall with only a few of us there. I need to talk to my friend about the cancellation terms etc. We will keep the lodge of course. There are enough people who have said they will stay there so that’s good.
But the way my thoughts are going now we may as well just gather in my house. After all, the garage conversion may just about be complete by then (work starts 3rd September). I have cancelled the hall as the venue. We’ll either have the gathering in my house or the lodge and the restaurant on the resort nearby.
But the way I feel right now, it’s all I can do to stop myself cancelling the whole thing. It was clearly a stupid idea.
I won’t do anything on impulse. But I do need to be realistic.