So much of who we are is based on those early formative years of our childhood. Our behaviours and decisions in adult life are driven by the memories that are programmed into our subconscious from our experiences at an age where we weren't mature enough to understand fully the world around us.
They're not buried deep in our subconscious. If they were, they wouldn't drive our behaviour.
When your childhood was crap, in whatever way, like mine was, you can find yourself living your life 'despite' and not 'because'. You are running away from something and not towards anything.
I was surviving. Each moment that passed more disappointing than the last.
And then, that past was reframed. The emotion that made it so crap was gone and now it is just a series of black and white photos in a photo album.
These days I am creating a new past, and new set of memories to reflect on at some later point. The things I do and the way I do them are not just about memories for the little one but they are creating a new photo album for me - full of colourful photos.
It's still very early days. It's only a matter of a couple of months that I've been adding the colour photos to the album. But increasingly I am building a safe view to look back on. Something that when I reflect on it for guidance in how I should behave or act, is recent enough to carry no pain or sadness.
I can live my life and make my choices without having to look too far back - and live a life filled with fun and enjoyment and happiness.
However, occasionally I have the need to access those old photo albums - like I will be doing this week when I attend this funeral. And though, in the main, the pain has gone from the majority of those memories, they are still there as black and white photos - and looking back through those albums makes me feel melancholy and sad.
This is my challenge right now. Knowing that there are times where those old photo albums need revisiting. But remembering as I do, that soon I will be putting them back on the shelf and returning to my life filled with colour and fun and new photo opportunities.
It's a tough one to remember. But I am determined that I now am in the right place to be able to do this. I have already achieved so much. Surely this is also something I am capable of....
