I refuse to be labelled by my experiences.
We may be shaped by what happened to us but we all deal with things differently and what happens doesn't define who we are - it's what we do with it that does.
Up until recently all those events in my childhood gave me my sense of self. Crap. Useless.
Then Trevor came along and I could see that I had qualities independent of those people who brought me up. That I had strengths that allowed me to be who I am despite all of that. From there I saw that I am who I am because of the way I chose to deal with it what happened to me.
Then, one day , I realised why I hated myself and stopped blaming myself. I forgave myself. Forgave that child. Not words. But proper acceptance of a situation that was impossible that I made it through.
Realising that has allowed me to move on. To become truly me.
It’s been a couple of weeks now since my trip to Anglesey.
It all appeared to go so well. My mother and the little one had a great time together and my mother was really respectful of our boundaries. This was noted and appreciated.
I came home feeling good about where I had got to.
That was 2 trips back to Anglesey which really didn’t have any impact on my mental state. This was really good progress.
But as the days passed something started sneaking back. That critical voice that had disappeared on the day I stopped blaming myself for everything that happened in my childhood. Going back to Anglesey took me back to that old mind set. Of guilt and self hatred. I'm fighting my way back but it's so hard because it's so familiar.
But I've done it once, I know what it feels like and I can do it again.
There has been such a sense of freedom for me since June. Freedom to be truly happy and comfortable in my own skin – with nothing and no-one keeping me “in my place”. I’ve enjoyed it immensely and really was starting to believe that one day, I could really enjoy being me. That I could look at myself and go “I quite like you”.
But when the voice came back it threw me.
I know I have all the knowledge and resources I should need to get past this but it’s like fighting quicksand – the more I seem to try the more insistent it becomes. I am back to criticising everything I hear myself say. I feel useless and crap.
I know it’s not real. I know it’s just a trigger after spending that time with my mother and all the memories and situations it brought back to mind. I also know that all the things that had pain associated with them no longer do.
This is not emotionally painful – it’s just a black hole.
I’ve lost my sheen. I’m listening to the track Trevor did for me in our last session. I’m trying to treat it as not real. But so far, I’ll be honest, I’m not doing a very good job.