The last month or so has been somewhat up and down.
In fact, in fairness it’s probably been more down than up.
It is taking me quite a long time to work my way through this one and I still have a lot more work to do. What I do know, is when I eventually get there, it will signify another leap forward in my sense of self.
You see, I may be very happy with my life these days but I still don’t particularly like me. This means that I am still taking any opportunity to go “ha, see, that just proves I am unlikeable!”
And then I get frustrated with myself because I get into the “should’s”. I should be able to apply what I’ve learnt. I shouldn’t think like this. But “should” doesn’t get you anywhere.
What is the problem?
Well I don’t know who I am.
Think of it as two versions of me.
Version 1, let’s call her the Dawn Mark I, evolved to survive. This model was excellent at progressing through life in survival mode. Every challenge was a battle and she became expert at choosing the right weapon to come out victorious.
Then some 6 months or so ago, Dawn Mark I became obsolete and the Mark II was released.
Mark II had a different prime directive. Growth. Fun. Enjoyment. Mark II wasn’t equipped to fight because it wasn’t anticipated that the Mark II would approach situations in that way any more. Where the Mark I selected a weapon, the Mark II looked at how she could learn and get the most of any situation.
The problem was, there was no programming for the Mark II so she was still following the Mark I blueprint and finding it just didn’t work any more.
This was causing a whole bunch of computational errors. The blueprint for the Mark I just didn’t work for the new model. So the Mark II is following an adaptive learning approach. Rather than referring to a previous set of rules, she is writing them as she goes.
This is not easy. In fact, it’s exhausting! And she makes lots of mistakes.
But the Mark II is getting there. Each day there is an opportunity to learn how to respond from growth rather than protection. And as more days go by, those lessons begin to count to other days.
I’ll let you know more once I’ve reached some conclusions. The trigger for this was my birthday non-party.