Yesterday I turned 40.
I had a lovely collection of cards and presents. I got a new Nike GPS running watch and a Samsung Smart camera to meet my gadget addiction. I got some lovely jewellery from my hubby and a couple of friends. I got a couple of mugs and tshirts. I got some books. And some people (some that I’ve never even met) took the time to create and prepare really thoughtful gifts for me.
And the words in some of my cards, on Facebook and on Twitter as people wished me Happy Birthday were truly touching.
Today we will have the ‘birthday party’ but the reality is that almost no-one is coming. And I very much appreciate those that are. If I’d set out to have a few drinks with a couple of friends it would all have been fine. I so much wish I’d done that. I wanted to celebrate being at the best point I’ve ever been in my life with as many people as possible but it just didn’t work out that way.
So later today a few friends who have had to overcome some significant challenges to get here will share the food that my friend prepared (I think she thinks a couple of hundred people are coming) and will raise a glass of champagne with me (even if they don’t drink it!) to celebrate the best day of the rest of my life.
Tomorrow will be the same. And so on.
So what do I see when I look forward these days?
1. I am in a place where I can happily embrace my friends. Steve gave me a big birthday hug when we met yesterday. It wasn’t just fine, it was nice. I enjoy the freedom I have these days of physical contact with people I care about.
2. I am able to help people. There is no better feeling in the world than helping others. With my Cognitive Hypnotherapy toolkit I can do this. On Monday the floors will be in my therapy room and I see my first client in there in a week and it will be amazing.
3. I am able to enjoy everything I do. I am happy in my life. When I go places and do things I have fun. I am able to enjoy what I’m doing rather than worry about making sure I behave ‘normally’ and spend all my time in a state of high alert.
4. My book is on ebook and in print. I am working on PR of it now. I printed my book to get the message out to as many people as possible that there is always a way to find happiness – no matter what your background. I didn’t publish it to make money but I do want as many people as possible to read it and I want to help as many people as I can find the happiness that I have found.
5. I am making steady progress on the weight loss – albeit slow right now. I have a pair of size 12 jeans that I can fit into and wear. I am still generally a 14 and nowhere near the 10/12 I need to get to but all being well I should get there in the next year.
6. I enjoy running as many days of the week as I can. It remains my chance to clear my head and get a little fresh air.
So that is a great place to be.
There are still some things that I need to work on.
I know now how much it is possible to change. Which is why I know I still have a couple of things I need help with.
The self-hypnosis exercise on the Confident Childbirth course showed me something is still going on with my subconscious. I have been very lucky to meet a lovely fellow Questie call Michala who has become a good friend. She helped me understand what was going on during that exercise and why it was so difficult for me. It’s a biggie and I need Trevor’s help to get me past it so I am seeing him in a few weeks time when I go down for my Master Prac training (the next stage of Cog Hyp training). I also know from the feelings that cropped up when it became clear that my party was a no-go that I have something else going on around feeling worthless that needs moving on from.
So life after 40 could not be more exciting. I can’t wait to see what each day will bring.
And I want to take a moment to acknowledge the one person above all who has made this point possible.
That’s my hubby.
Of all the things I look on in my life, the single best thing that happened was meeting him. Apart from the fact that he is fun and charming, intelligent and totally loveable, he has been more supportive than anyone could ever imagine and on many occasions more supportive than I deserved!
He has struggled with ill health and he has had a terrible time with losing Adam and then his best friend. He has been isolated up here in Dundee for most of the last 15 years, knowing few people and not having anything to stimulate his mind. I spent a lot of time travelling with work and he spent a lot of time on his own.
Then I went to see some strange bloke to sort my head out and he supported that – even though it meant flying down to London and leaving him with the little one.
When I said I wanted to do the Cognitive Hypnotherapy training for 1 weekend a month in London for 10 months he still supported me. Even though he was so often ill and could barely cope to get up in the morning let alone look after a young child.
He continues to support me going off and doing courses – as I make the most of being in employment to get all the training I can done. Even though it means leaving him again to cope.
He supports and believes in me for anything I do.
When I talk about setting up a therapy practice, and being in a situation with a lower insecure income – he still supports me even though it terrifies him.
No matter what the personal cost to him, he has never held me back from chasing my dreams. In fact, he has been the foundation of support and encouragement that allowed me to even have dreams.
And he is everything and more that I could want in a father for the little one. I know he struggles not to focus on what he can’t do with her and often loses sight of all that he does that even I don’t do. The fact that she is such an amazing little girl is in the main down to him.
Without the hubby I would be nothing – in fact I probably wouldn’t even be alive.
So when you look at me and tell me I have inspired you, then you should also thank my hubby. Because really it is him that is inspiring.
I love him more each day than I would have believed possible.
So to me 40 is about enjoying life, enjoying my family and having fun.