A friend messaged me on Facebook after reading yesterday's blog post.
She told me that she hoped that I would be able to see how many people are stood at the top of the hill with torches, lighting the way for me to get out of this place I have found myself.
I am truly touched to be surrounded by so many supportive people. People who sometimes barely know me but have often read my book and joined me on this journey.
I am reminded of the scene in Forrest Gump where Tom Hanks starts running and doesn't stop. People are inspired by him and start following him and cheering him on. He's in his own world so keeps doing what he's doing, oblivious to all these people and the impact he is having on their lives.
I'm probably a bit the same right now. I have the "I'm crap" filter firmly engaged. Any information that does not fit through that filter is discarded. The stories of others who tried to organise a birthday party that didn't work out. Where people didn't turn up. That doesn't make it through the filter because it is their reality not mine. And people are trying so hard to help me.
Because I’ve done it before I know I will move on from this place eventually. I will be stronger and more aware of myself because of the understanding I’ve needed to work my way through this.
So I’m sorry for all the miserable posts right now. I share my struggles with you in the honest way I have always have done on this blog. And sometimes I forget that it’s hard for you to scale where I truly am. You have seen me come so far and so much change. You remind me of this often in an attempt to help me move forward.
You have to remember the reason I have come so far is that I constantly strive to get to a better place. I always will. My determination to work my way through anything is what has brought me to this point. But that same determination is the thing that prevents me from accepting those things that I see as failures. Those things that I beat myself up over. Those things that I hate who I am because of. For me, I can’t just look at how far I’ve come and use that to get over this. I can only see what is wrong.
I will continue to share where I am and what has changed with all of you on this blog in as honest a way as is possible. Writing things makes sense of them for me – so in many ways my blogging is selfish. I write for me.
So thank you. I know you are there with your torches. Just because I’ve got my eyes closed doesn’t mean I don’t know you are there.