I was trying to find somewhere to escape – a place I could go to hide that was away from everything. A place that was safe for me and where no one could find me, touch me, hurt me. A place where I didn’t have to feel anything, physical or emotional.
I found a little black box.
When I needed to I would go into my head and climb into the little black box. I would stay there until it was safer to come out again. As time went on I spent more and more time in the little black box.
Eventually the real me hid there most of the time.
I liked my little black box. It was safe and no one knew about it.
One day, when I was at University, when I had just got together with my hubby he decided he would try a sort of hypnotic relaxation on me (what a charmer!)
I lay on the floor and he talked me through relaxing.
Within a minute or so tears were streaming down my face. Not the result he was expecting. Needless to say we didn’t do it again.
Many years later I began training as a Cognitive Hypnotherapist. Something that often requires going into a trance state.
On weekend 2 of my training, when we were doing positive trance work with a partner I found myself freaking out as my partner tried to take me into a trance state. I left the room confused, upset and shaken.
Meanwhile I went on this amazing journey with Trevor’s help. I reached a point where I was happy and was able to feel those emotions I had kept locked away for my whole life. I was able to be myself.
I visited the box less and less. In fact, I almost forgot it was there.
Then a few weeks ago I went on the Confident Childbirth course and we were being taught Self Hypnosis. Again within minutes of starting I had tears streaming down my face and I was shaking.
I thought finding forgiveness for myself had sorted everything.
But we had never been near the little black box.
Then a fellow Questie and lovely lady called Michala and I were chatting one night. She made a statement that maybe for me going into a trance state had a different meaning/purpose.
And whoosh! just like that I returned to the time I first went looking for and found my little black box.
And I realised that every time I had tried to go into a trance state it had reminded me of going looking for my little black box. For needing to escape.
So on Friday I am going to see Trevor.
Trevor is going to hold my hand while we attempt to find and open that little black box together.
I am bricking it. I am beyond terrified about the concept of choosing to travel to that place.
But I also know that if we can, we can rescue me from within that little black box and show me that I never need to go back there again.
If I can do it. If I can be brave enough to confront this (I have my doubts) this will be a truly fundamental change for me in this journey I’m on.
So for now, I just need to not think about it and what we are going to do for the next 3 days or so. It’s not easy. But it will be worth it.
Nothing needs to be the ways it’s always been. There is always a way through – you just have to find it.