If you’ve never known how something feels it’s hard to know what you’re missing.
And it’s hard to know whether you are there or not.
I have been on this journey for 18 months or so now. A journey of transformation or as someone described it “a metamorphosis”.
And I guess when you’re a caterpillar you look up at butterflies and think “gosh look how graceful they are, I wish I could fly”.
I have spent my life as a caterpillar looking on at the butterflies flapping around me and feeling like I was missing out on something.
And then things started changing. With each change I thought “wow, how good is this? I feel great”
Eventually I reached a point where I felt I had achieved everything I could. For the first time in my life I could answer “I am happy” honestly. I was happy with the path of my life, with my future and with the people around me.
I was happy. That must mean I am ‘there’. This is where I need to be.
And yet I was a still a caterpillar. I would still stare up at the butterflies longingly. I would watch people engage in conversation easily. I would watch as people said hello with a hug. I would watch as people laughed.
And I would watch people struggle too and found that I was relating to them far easier than the others.
I didn’t want to be a caterpillar anymore even though it felt like I was the best caterpillar I could possibly be. At the end of the day, I didn’t like being a caterpillar.
And so when you read about me forgiving myself, when you read about how happy I was, what you didn’t read was how much I still hated myself. Because even I didn’t realise that I wasn’t in the best place I could be.
I thought I was there.
And then a sequence of events showed me there was still something not right. A sequence of events that started with my 40th birthday and spiralled out of control from there.
Then I had more help and everything changed.
I became a butterfly!
And Oh My god – this place I am in now is amazing!
I didn’t realise it could be like this. How could I? I’ve never been here before.
I feel so good!
1. I am happy.
2. I like me. Really. I think it’s pretty cool being me.
3. I feel a sense of inner peace and calm where it used to be torrid
4. I feel powerful. I feel like no one can tell me what to do and nothing can touch me because I am cool with being me and how can anyone else have the right to override that?
5. I genuinely look forward to everything in my future. So much is possible when you aren’t held back by constant feelings of worthlessness.
6. I know I will lose weight now. Because I know my subconscious was keeping my weight on for protection and it doesn’t need to any more.
So this is where I am. This most amazing place where everything just feels right. I feel like I am not on alert any more. I am just being. And I can’t imagine anything more fun.