Yep, that is the right title for this blog post.
You see I realised something this morning as I jogged along the path near my house.
It was a beautiful morning. Totally still with blue skies. As the sun rose there was a haze of pink on the horizon that revealed as I ran further down the path into a blazing sunrise.
I kept going for longer than planned because I couldn’t face turning away from something so beautiful.
I jog rather than run. I keep a pace that stops me getting out of breath because I know that being breathless is something I hate. I hate my mouth being covered and my air to be restricted (I should probably see someone about that!)
I enjoyed the run even though my toes were freezing cold because I run in Vibrams and the ground was icy.
I enjoyed the space and freedom of jogging along.
This morning I thought about my friends who ran the Brighton half marathon on Sunday and how well they had done. I thought about how good they looked on their weight loss journey.
I felt disconnected and out of sorts. I felt like I was failing somehow.
When I saw the photos I felt jealous and smiled to myself that I was jealous of people running a half marathon.
I felt jealous of how good they look because I recognise that I still have something to unlock to continue on my own journey and I saw photos of people I know who are well on their way.
As they have prepared and as we get closer to April I have been thinking a lot about my London Marathon run last year.
I hated it.
I really should have loved it. What an opportunity and experience.
It wasn’t the running I hated (although that did kind of get in the way!)
As I ran this morning, and thought of the photos of my friends I realised why I hated it.
I love the countryside.
The reason I enjoy my runs is because I love what I see – the nature all around me - and how free I feel. The thoughts in my head float around and form coherent patterns that are constrained when I’m within four walls. Constrained by crowds of people.
The reason I hated the London Marathon was because it was in London. Surrounded by people and buildings. Closed in. The opposite of what I get from my morning run.
I don’t like London – I never have.
Given the choice of anywhere to go I would choose to go to a rocky, wild beach and sit on a rock. I would want it to be windy and a bit grey. I would sit on the rock with the wind blowing the spray in my direction and feel the freedom of nothing around me to constrain me. I would enjoy the freedom to think and to be whoever I wanted to be.
That’s what I get from my running.
That’s what I didn’t get from the London Marathon.
And that’s why I should not choose to do any sort of public run again.
I don’t run to test myself. I don’t run to keep fit (although that is a bonus)
I run to be free. To get endorphins. To think.
This is why I love running.