It has always been tinged with anger and bitterness this day.
A day to remind me of what I didn’t have. Of a childhood better forgotten than of photo albums to look back on with a smile. A day where old feelings of resentment, guilt and being different where constantly rubbed in my face.
It wasn’t about Adam’s absence. He is a shadow that is there every day and Mother’s day doesn’t make it better or worse.
These feelings around this day started well before we lost him.
This was all about me.
And I would take it out on the hubby. For him events aren’t important – he loves me equally every day of the year and so each year when he failed to do anything for Mother’s Day I took my anger out on him – like it was his fault I felt like that.
It wasn’t of course.
This year is different.
A couple of weeks ago I resolved that this would be my day.
After all, it’s Mother’s Day and I am a mother. Nobody and nothing changes that.
So my plan was set – it was going to be my day and I would spend it with the little one doing what I wanted to do and enjoying every moment with her.
For the first time ever there were no bad feelings or pangs of pain for me going into the day, seeing the adverts, listening to stories. I looked forward to my day.
Mid morning, as I sat with the little one in the Marks and Spencer's cafe I realised that something was missing.
A sense of life being unfair.
In their place a feeling of contentment and peace.
No-one and nothing has the power to define how I feel about myself any more.
Only I can do that and I am choosing to feel good.
And isn’t it amazing how when we take control of our own destiny, suddenly we start to notice things that in the past may have been drowned out by the negatives.
Firstly the little one did a jigsaw for me at school
And then the hubby helped her make this amazing book-card
I didn’t wait for anyone to do me breakfast, lunch or dinner. Instead I chose what I wanted to do. I took the little one to McDonalds for breakfast. It was lovely and then we went to Marks and Spencer's for some bits of food for the week and had coffee and hot chocolate.
It snowed so we built a snow man
I also put some washing away and loaded the dishwasher.
Tonight, if the snow lets me, I’ll fetch a Chinese takeaway because I was too tired last night.
So today has been all about me.
The power sat with me to make it whatever I wanted it to be.
And because of that it has been the best mothers day ever.
And that was my choice.
I am a mother and it was my day.