Today is the funeral of Matilda Mae, the 9 month old daughter of a lady on Twitter called Jenny (@edspire).
She died suddenly one night after being put to bed a happy healthy child. That day she had learnt to crawl.
I can think of very little worse than burying your own child. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was watch Adam's coffin disappear.
I am not a spiritual person so don’t hold any particular beliefs around a great plan or being. And in some ways this makes it harder.
For Matilda Mae they have named a star and Twitter avatars of thousands of people have changed to a pink and purple star in support of her mother. And in memory. Because Jenny has been able to draw on the support of the online community. It doesn’t help the pain but it does help to not feel so alone.
There is a shadow in my life. A presence that is always there in every moment.
Sometimes it's stronger than others.
It's not a dark shadow. Far from it. It's a bright light. A ghost image.
An image of my little boy.
In everything I do there is a space that he should be occupying. My baby. My little boy growing up and being measured on the wall like we measure the little one.
Fighting and playing with the little one. Being invited to birthday parties and leaving her sulking at home.
Holding in his hands in every moment a piece of my heart.
My little shadow is everywhere in my life.
We always wanted 2 kids. We have 2. It's just one of them can't be seen by anyone other than us.
One of them carries a piece of our hearts in his hands.
He is a shadow occupying a space in everything I do.
And all the time the little one is an only child I am reminded. We wanted 2 kids. We had 2 kids. But we only have one that we can watch growing up.
The pain is less now, but the shadow never leaves.