You heard a while back about how my dad getting in touch put me in a tailspin.
So much so that I needed to go and see Trevor to help me work out what was going on.
Well this week I added my dad as a friend on my Facebook and marked him as my father.
Since April when he got back in touch we have been emailing back and forth with each other occasionally. He has been nothing but open, supportive and respectful of the distance in our relationship in all this time.
He has given me the space I have needed to work through the impact of him coming back into my life.
And things have changed for me.
Where even the word 'dad' used to cause me pain before now it actually makes me feel almost comforted. It's nice to have my dad in my life.
I don't believe in forgiveness really.
I have always believed that if you feel the need to forgive that it means you are holding on to something that needs letting go. Forgiveness is not an act for anyone else...it is something for yourself. Forgiveness to me is about believing that someone has wronged you in some way and needing to make it about them for you to be able to let go.
No one is allowed to have power over me any more.
If I needed to forgive my father for the past it would mean that I carried blame and some kind of emotion for what happened in my past.
More than anyone I know we are shaped by our past. That applies to my father as much as it does me. He took the time to try an explain to me why he acted the way he did. The answers he gave me don't matter. The fact that he cared enough to try does matter.
I don't need anything from my father any more. I don't even need him in my life.
And that is why it is nice to have him there.
Now I look on pictures with fondness rather than pain. This week I saw pictures on his timeline of my uncle and auntie. And it made me smile to see them again. He lives in Mallorca and talked about how they visit him every year and maybe next time we could go across for a reunion. Maybe we will.
If that chapter of my life was like a box of sand...a box filled with black holes where some sort of container was keeping the sand at bay...it feel like those containers are being removed and the sand is flowing back into those voids.
Like in some way my past is becoming more complete.
I have my dad again and I am very happy about that.