This time last year we didn’t know that my dear friend Elizabeth had cancer. Once we found out it was only a matter of weeks before she died.
I have never met anyone as non-judgemental and caring as her. In fact technically I have never even met her. Our communication was all via email.
In one of our last email exchanges before she died she made a request of me.
“Promise me you will always believe in yourself and the truth of your story”
It made me cry. And I told her off. I told her off for asking that of me knowing that she was going to die. Her response “Forgive the intrusion…”
There was nothing to forgive.
On New Year’s Eve I sat looking at the water in the picture above and I had a chat with Elizabeth. She had a lot of faith and I like to believe she is out there looking down on me and her family who loved her very much.
Let me share here how my conversation with her went.
I think you will be very proud of me. I know you have told me on a number of occasions how proud you are of me as you have shared in my journey and the steps I have taken.
I’m glad that in sharing my journey I was also to help you in some way. I’m glad it wasn’t all one way.
I think about you all the time. I’m afraid I can’t think of you without crying yet but I’m sure one day I will be able to. I miss you. And I don’t expect that to change that much to be honest!
I can’t believe it’s not even a year yet…so much has happened I barely know where to start.
So how about we start with the promise you asked me to make.
Yes, I believe in myself and truth of my story.
You see, my father is back in my life. After over 20 years I have a dad and that’s ok. It caused me quite the wobble when he first tried to connect I have to tell you. It wasn’t his fault. You know how I thought that he was just going to read my book and discredit the whole thing? Well he did read it but he found it touching and, despite how scary it was for him, he got in touch after reading it. He didn’t tell me I made it all up. He was open and honest. He helped me understand loads of things. He helped me believe I was loveable. He told me, and still tells me, he loves me. It seems that I was wrong. It seems it was never all about me.
I like having a dad again. Neither of us are even a fraction of the people we once were so our communication now is as the people we are not the people we once were. That works. For both of us I think. I am going to meet him soon when he comes to stay later this year but we’ve already spoken on Skype a couple of times. Who’d have thought it eh?
And the other one? Well I’m taking steps on that. We’ll see but I can’t talk about it on here until it’s gone through the process. But I’ve had the strength and belief in myself to take that further. I know that is what you meant when you asked me to believe in my story and I do now. I’m sorry I made you feel bad for asking. Because it seemed so hard back then to believe I wasn’t broken. To think that anyone would believe me. But now, even if they don’t, I believe myself and my memories and feelings and it is that I am acting on because it is the right thing to do – for everyone else.
And that’s the thing…a friend shared this because she said it reminded her of me
And now I am a full time Cognitive Hypnotherapist I am able to use my past and my experience, and dare I say wisdom, to help, encourage and inspire others out of their own darkness.
I have found peace in myself. A peace that no amount of theorising was going to get me to. I know we exchanged many book titles as we both sought the answers. I don’t think the answers for me were ever in a book. They were about letting go. Letting go of limiting beliefs and emotional hijacking.That has required Trevor’s help on a few occasions. It’s been so tough – but worth it.
I know you lost children and we talked a lot about Adam. Would you have believed that I had never let go of Adam? I guess you would really. I was keeping my memory of him inside of me…safe. Knowing that we had to deliver him too early it made sense that I didn’t want to let go.
But now I have. I have let go of so many things.
I am peaceful.
I don’t need to run away any more.
I don’t need to fill my head with 101 different things to keep the other stuff out. I have found it is actually possible to just be in the moment.
It’s a pretty good feeling. Did you ever manage to find that? I think you were always a lot closer than me but am not sure that you found it. I hope you have it now.
The little one continues to just be the most amazing person ever. She is funny and bright and loving and hugs with her are without doubt the very best thing in the whole wide world.
I am lucky.
I count myself very lucky these days. I have an amazing family. I am doing a job I love so much where I get to help other people get rid of their darkness and you know, I’m ok at it. It’s a good feeling.
I feel happy and I feel lucky.
I don’t think that was true when you were still alive. For that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you were around to help me through the pain but not to share in the happiness after.
I hope you can see.
With all my love