There is some sort of irony in having a belief changed by a hug for me.
I had got myself in quite the state on the run up to seeing my dad again after all these years. Every time I thought about it I stopped being me and regressed to being a young girl again. If I was seeing my dad as a little girl it would be a whole different kettle of fish.
The hubby was trying to explain to the little one what I was going through.
“Can you imagine if you hadn’t seen me for years and then you did, you’d feel a bit weird wouldn’t you?”
“I’d be excited!” she said enthusiastically.
Of course she’d be excited. She knows her dad and she loves her dad and there is nothing better than spending time with him.
I don’t know my dad.
By the day before I was thinking that maybe I should cancel. I didn’t feel I could cope with it all. I was so scared and I kept thinking about the moment I met him and hugged him how I was going to stop being me and I was going to become that little girl again.
I didn’t cancel of course. I don’t do that. I close my eyes and I jump every time.
On the way down in the car the hubby asked how I was feeling about seeing him.
“I don’t know” I answered. Not as 41 year old Dawn but as the little girl. Scared was the only word I could think of. Talking about it made me cry.
We met in the restaurant next door to the hotel and him and his fiancé were already there.
The little one ran up to him and hugged him. Gotta love that kid.
Then I gave him a hug.
And in that moment everything changed.
In that moment 41 year old Dawn gave this man, that whilst technically related to her, is still a stranger a hug. And that’s all it was. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Yes he’s my dad but I don’t know him. He’s not the little girl’s dad because that is not who I am any more.
We sat and had dinner together. We chatted as the people we now are not as the people we once were. Yes, we talked a little about the past, but mostly we talked about now. What we do, what we believe in. After a couple of hours the little one got bored and wanted to go back to the hotel so the hubby took her and I stayed on to chat some more.
It was a pleasant evening getting to know a couple of people I didn’t know much about. The sort of people that have enough in common to get together occasionally for dinner, drinks and chat. Of course he lives in Spain so that’s not going to happen very often, but it would if it could.
So in that moment, in a simple hug, I found me again. I let go of that little girl once more and accepted being the 41 year old person I really am now.