I’m waiting. For someone to come along and look after me. To make it all ok.
“Be kind to yourself” friends say.
“You’ve been through a lot” they say “take some time to yourself”
“Do what you tell us to do” they say “keep a note of the positives”
And I can’t – won’t – do that.
I don’t deserve any of that. I don’t deserve for this to be easier.
That’s why I’m waiting, you see. I’m waiting for someone to come along and tell me that there is nothing wrong with me. That I am ok – it’s ok for me to be kind to myself. It’s ok to use those techniques on myself that will make life easier.
But I don’t think I should. I can’t – won’t – do any of that.
Because I’m not ok.
There is stuff that is probably going to happen over the next 6 months, because of a process that I started, that is going to be really really tough for me. I started this for a reason and I will do everything in my power to protect others from going through what I went through. But there is a significant toll on me. It hurts.
I know what I need to do to lessen the hurt but I can’t – won’t – do it.
Why should I hurt less? I deserve to hurt. I enjoy hurting.
I need someone to tell me it’s ok.
I don’t know who that someone is and that someone probably doesn’t even exist. It’s all inside of me.
And yet instead of taking action I wait. I behave like the victim.
In every other area of my life I take action. I make things happen. People look on in awe as I make things happen. I don’t wait. I don’t need anyone else. I just do it. I have an idea for a book, 3 months later it’s written and has a publisher. I have an idea for therapy and straight away I make it happen. I want to teach my daughter to ride a bike, I take some time and make it happen.
I make things happen in every area of my life. I take action. I don’t wait. I don’t do waiting.
But on this I do. When it comes to me, my thoughts and my feelings, I wait.
I wait for a knight in shining armour to come along and fight the evil dragon whilst I swoon nearby.
I wait for someone to protect me. To look after me. To make everything ok.
But no one is going to come. It’s all inside of me.
And yet I still wait.