One of the reasons I return to Trevor, when I have something that is getting in the way of my life, is that he gets me.
Of course I should be able to work my way through my own problems by now. I am a Cognitive Hypnotherapist after all. But the problem with problems is they are consuming. When you are ‘doing’ your problem you often lack the clarity of thought to be able to get out of your problem.
I also have a wonderful network of friends and therapists. But I have been ‘doing’ my problem for many many years and my stubbornness knows no bounds! It’s always been risky working with me too. I have tendency to abreact (I go into a zoned out state where I can’t respond and shake, often quite violently). Not easy for anyone to deal with.
So when I knew that a part of me was still very unhappy I booked to see Trevor. I needed a guide to get me past it.
What I also knew was that it didn’t have to be that way. From everything that has changed over the last 3 years, I knew I didn’t have to be having a constant battle in my head.
He doesn’t do as much therapy any more so it was a long wait. And with the police stuff it was a painful wait too.
Last week I had a session with Trevor.
The changes from this session will be subtle but that does not make them any less profound.
There was a young girl inside of me that was frozen. Frozen in a moment in time which she couldn’t deal with. And that girl made the adult believe that she needed protecting. She made the adult believe that she would freeze and not be able to cope with stuff. So she protected the adult. She enveloped her in a protective shell that would prevent anyone getting near. Nothing I did as an adult would persuade her to let the barrier down.
That’s why I needed Trevor’s help. He could persuade her.
It wasn’t easy, but then it never is. All I could see was a young girl sat on the edge of her bed in her room; frozen, unresponsive. I would try and get her to stir but she wouldn’t. If I tried to get her to move she remained in the same position. I could even knock her over but when I did, like any ice statue, she would remain in the same seated position but on her side.
Trevor uses the little one. He knows she is my Achilles heel. I would do anything for her. I wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt her. If we are struggling to get a change Trevor will find a way to use the little one to get that change. Sometimes it can be very upsetting. I’ve had to tell him to back off before. This time it was powerful.
The little one loves to dance. She giggles and sings and wiggles her hips in a way no almost-6-year-old should do! She makes us laugh and smile when she does it. It’s impossible not too.
When I was struggling to get that little girl to move, Trevor asked if she could dance with the little one. The little one walked up to her and took her hand. She took her hand. Her hand became unfrozen. Pink. Moveable.
The little one helped her stand up. She stood up. Moving. Unfrozen.
The little one turned to face the window and began to dance. She giggled and wiggled her hips and encourage the younger me to join in. And I did. I smiled and I danced. Not a full on, free dance. But still. A dance. And I smiled. How could you not smile when the little one is dancing and giggling?
This change does not feel like a thunderbolt like some of the others.
This change does not feel like it has had to be violently release.
This change feels more subtle.
But this change is deeper. This change is more profound.
I am fluid. I can smile. I am safe. I don’t need protecting any more.
Oh an I didn’t abreact. I was there at all times. Able to talk and interact with Trevor. To tell him what was going on in my head at each moment. That’s a first too.