Some of you will have noticed I have been struggling. Maybe you’ve read this blog or maybe you’ve noticed my less-than-positive outlook on Social Media.
I started proceedings with the police. I made the decision to take him to court. The verdict was irrelevant. I did it. I took action. The verdict allowed me to let go of the story of my past. During the trial I stopped worrying about being believed. That was no longer an issue. The trauma of watching my video evidence removed the trauma of what happened in my childhood. I was free.
I got a notion in my head.
I should be ok now.
I should stop banging on about it and get on with my future.
And of course the news is full of stories. Stories of horrific abuse. Stories of trials. Stories of justice at last.
Each time I read something it reminds me of the verdict of my trial. Of not guilty. It feels so unfair.
I got another notion in my head. Maybe things just don’t work out for me. Maybe I don’t deserve anything to go right for me. The verdict became evidence to reinforce the notion. A notion that I could track right back to the earliest years of my childhood. A notion that started with my half sister having a happy childhood while I didn’t. A notion that was built upon by me speaking up for myself in later years and not being listened to.
Orr’s Law states what the Thinker Thinks, the Prover Proves.
The notion was the thought, the Prover found plenty of evidence.
The Universe keeps an eye on me. The Universe determined there was something to learn here. Business disappeared. Without the distraction of other people’s problem I had nothing to focus on but myself.
What the Thinker Thinks, the Prover Proves. I don’t deserve success. Nothing works for me.
This morning, on Twitter, I shared a photo of the chair in my therapy room 3 years ago. 3 years ago when I wasn’t a full time therapist
I was reminiscing with my Twitter friends over a successful 2 years as a full time therapist. Then I was pointing out that it might all change as business is so very quiet. This is why I love my Twitter friends. They know me and they can reflect stuff back with a different perspective.
It was pointed out that it’s ok to take time to get over it. It’s not even been 6 months since the trial. The whole thing was traumatic and the verdict was a shock.
The problem here is not how I am feeling. The problem is my expectation that I shouldn’t be feeling this way.
This is the lesson my Twitter friend helped me to understand today. It’s a lesson I tell so many of my clients – especially the ones that are dealing with grief.
This is the lesson I needed to learn.
So it will take me a little longer to work it through. But right now I realise I am ok with not being ok. It is ok to feel hurt. It is ok to accept that something happened that was very unfair but it was not about me.
When the little one is old enough and I reflect on what she might have learnt from her mother, I feel proud to think she will know that she has a mother that stood up for herself. She has a mother that fought for herself no matter how hard it was. She has a mother that used what she went through, not to feel wronged by the Universe, but as a positive to help others move on from the things that messed them up too. She has a mother that never judges other people for struggling, because she understand how hard it can be to move on sometimes.
It’s ok to not be ok sometimes. It doesn’t have to mean anything.