There was a moment, when I realised no one had power of me any more (this included people from my past), where I got really scared. Every single decision was my responsibility and no one else's. Every consequence was a result of my own choices.
That was really scary. And very lonely. It took a bit of getting used to.
But I am used to it now. I take full responsibility for me.
When a photo came up on Facebook from 2011 I was really surprised. I didn’t realise how slim I had become. I didn’t realise it at the time of course. We often don’t see ourselves as we are, but rather as we think we are. All I could see was a fat tyre around my middle. Looking back I can see that I was fine.
Now, 4 years later, I am a million miles away from that person. I eat the same. I even eat a little less if anything. I don’t run every day any more, and that makes a difference. But not enough to get me to the size I am now. And I was gaining weight when I was still running regularly.
The difference is all down to the court case. From the point at which I reported the abuse to the police in 2013 I have been putting on weight. This is a protection thing, driven from my head. Keeping up the same level of exercise and the same eating habits, I began to steadily gain weight. In the months before the actual court appearance my eating habits also changed. I scoffed constantly. Clearly I needed to hide.
It’s frustrating. But it can change.
No one else is responsible for this change. It is all on me.
In the 2-3 weeks after court a barely ate anything. I didn’t feel like it. Before court I used to get through a packet of sweets one day a week when I drove to Aberdeen. After court, the same packet stayed in my car for months.
Everything returned to ‘normal’. I decided not to put my body through the Loch Ness Marathon. But I did want to do something. Something fun and good for me.
So I found Ricky Ross who is a strength based Personal Trainer. I started one day a week and now am up to 3 times a week. I love what it’s doing to my body. My arms are amazing. I am constantly ‘feeling up’ my arm muscles.
Nothing else is changing. I am still a million miles from the size I was.
But that is no one else’s responsibility. It is all on me. It is not my PT’s responsibility. I did not go to him with a task of helping me to lose weight. I wanted to get fit and do regular exercise. I love our workouts. I am stronger and fitter. He is helping me do exactly what I asked of him.
It is not down to what I eat. Because whatever change I make to get me to the person I want to be, it has to be permanent. It has to be about becoming the person I will be for the rest of my life – not about dieting to lose weight. Each action should be sustainable.
I have tried to return to the 5:2 approach which I love. It works brilliantly for weight loss and I can do it for the rest of my life. But I can’t do it. Because when I get hungry my head says “You don’t deserve to starve any more, that happened as a kid and it’s not fair to do it to yourself now”. And then I eat something.
So this is a head thing. And it’s all in my control. It’ my choice, my goals and my actions that will get me there.
I’ll probably call on a little help from fellow therapists along the way. There is a very stubborn younger version of me in my head who believes her choices are always right. In fairness, she’s done a good job for me all these years but I don’t really need her any more.
So work to be done. Yes, it’s frustrating. But I can change it and will. It’s just about finding the right switch
I don’t remember ever going to a Halloween party. I certainly never hosted one. But I have a rule in my head – if the little one asks for something I will always think about it before I answer. I will make sure my answer is based on the right thing for her rather than for me.
About a week ago the little one asked if we could have a Halloween party. I thought about it and asked everyone what they thought. The consensus was to go for it. And I have a good friend that has done Halloween parties that was more than happy to help out.
So I invited her closest friends by talking to the parents. I didn’t want her to go to school and invite some and not others and have everyone fall out with her.
In the end 8 kids turned up which was perfect.
I put everything into the food and decorations. I started the party at 5 so it would be dark already. Unfortunately that meant I couldn’t easily take photos of the decorations!
We all got dressed up
And I got loads of spooky food done. All Gluten free
I think it was safe to say they enjoyed the food…
The lounge was set up with the disco light bulb and the monster party mix was playing through the amp
The kids spent most of the party dancing. But we did have some games in between. We head dress the mummy, musical zombies and vampires, apple bobbing and decorate the satsumas
This is Dress the Mummy
And this is them having fun with the left over toilet roll. Amazingly I managed to get them all to clear it up after!
All in all I don’t think the party could have gone any better.
Minecraft. Crack for kids. Even more than the game are the YouTube videos. Stampy is one of the top YouTube stars of the last year. Kids watch him and his friends play Minecraft and talk about Minecraft. They often watch the videos more than they play the games.
My daughter behaves like she’s on drugs when she’s been watching the videos for too long. She shouts and sulks at every request. She grunts responses to questions. We don’t see her all day as she curls up on the chair with her iPod touch just watching YouTube. In fact, we have to limit time on it because of that.
You may not realise but, although Minecraft wasn’t written in Dundee, it was ported to pretty much every game platform out of Dundee. The Xbox 360 version of Minecraft is thanks to Dundee Games programmers.
So when Stampy decided to go on tour, it’s no surprise that he decided to come to Dundee.
My friend told me about the event. Her 7 year old son wanted to go. So did her 13 year old daughter. The little one definitely wanted to go. The catch was, there was a limit of 3 tickets per person (why?!) and they were only releasing them to pick up in person first. My friend lives too far away to get there for the box office opening at 9:30 so I went in with her two daughters so we had 2 people and could get 5 tickets.
I headed in for 9 to queue for the box office opening at 9:30
When I arrived there was already a queue
Turns out the people at the front of the queue had been there since 5:20am!
Whilst the queue wasn’t that long – it was really really really slow. It took me 4 hours to get to the front
4 HOURS to move a relatively short distance. It was a stupid set up. And this was the day after my PT concentrated on legs! I was in pain all day and all night.
All for this
The little one can never say I don’t love her!
Apparently there were over 500 people that queued up and they only had 1200 tickets on sale. Each person will have had at least 2 tickets, probably 3. I don’t think there would have been any left