This is my friend and her boy in the The Range the other day. The Range has an excellent section for Xmas decorations and she was in her element. It was fun to be with her as she got excited on each new aisle she went down. It made me smile.
It made me realise that Xmas isn’t really making me smile this year. In fact, for the last few years it hasn’t made me smile.
The little one wanted me to put up the Xmas tree last weekend. I found an excuse not to. I couldn’t be bothered.
Every year I have tried to start up new traditions with the little one. I didn’t want to carry across any traditions from my childhood. That is more true than ever this year.
Because for all the magic of Xmas, it was all fake. How can I look back fondly on any memory now knowing that my mother never loved me? I can’t look back on anything with any fondness. We had what I thought was a close relationship. But even a friend would not let you hang out to dry in front of your abuser in court. Even a friend would not put themselves first. Certainly not a mother. Everything I thought was true about our relationship was clearly wrong.
So when I think of my childhood Xmas I think of sadness, and pain, and being let down and unloved. This year, more than ever, I don’t want to think of my childhood Xmas.
And this year one of the little one’s grandmothers is dead. She always sent loads of great pressies. The other one is as good as dead. So it’s just the 3 of us. Which it always was, but this year I feel more alone than ever. And my step-sister doesn’t talk to us any more – so she has no cousins.
She has loads of love though. She has all she needs right here with us. She will be spoilt and loved just as much on Xmas day as she is every other day of the year. I am just struggling with getting the enthusiasm up to decorate the house and find the magic.
My friend (pictured above) has been buying her loads of pressies too and we are going over to her house on Boxing Day for a second Xmas with her family.
I’m sure the little one won’t even notice. But I am. I feel sad and let down. Everything seems incredibly unfair. I’m trying to get the halo effect from my friend. Her house looks lovely and she’s like a big kid with the decorations and the presents. It makes me smile a lot.