I’m having bad dreams again.
Before court I was having nightmares that lead to panic attacks while I slept.
These are different but they they are still bad dreams and they are still very upsetting.
I have been trying to work out what’s going on.
I had to let Chest, Heart and Stroke Scotland know that I couldn’t volunteer for the foreseeable future. I am struggling to keep my head above water.
Whilst I moved on very well from court, I remain in limbo. I haven’t had a chance to work out who I am and who I can be without my story to define me.
And boy, what a story! Before I let go of it I saw it for all it was. A horrific childhood that I came through, not as a survivor, but as an individual.
I was wronged in so many ways but it didn’t make me a bad person. In the same way, as I have realised that things didn’t happen to me because I was a bad person.
And it doesn’t matter. It used to matter. I used to be who I was despite what happened. Now I am who I am – but who is that?
Since court I have come straight back to day to day life.
I am a therapist. I am busier than I have ever been and that is wonderful. But I don’t feel I am pushing forward with that right now. I feel I am treading water. Helping people day by day but not stretching myself. I was about to write “stretching myself to move outside of my comfort zone” but I don’t know what my comfort zone is any more. I can’t see the edges. And I don’t have time to find them.
I am a mother. The little one is on school holidays and at the same time a 4 client day is becoming normal. 7 days a week. Daytimes and evenings. That’s what I want to do. So in between clients I am trying to make sure I do stuff with her and for her. Making sure I work out what she will eat at dinnertime and lunch – trickier because of her being Gluten Free.
I am a wife. The hubby has had a growing problem with his hip. We thought it was connected to his back injury (he was paralysed 20 years ago and shouldn’t really be able to walk but he does). It has meant additional pain and it means his leg sometimes collapses and he falls over. He’s started using a stick. He’s had an x-ray and is due an MRI in a couple of weeks. So in between looking after the little one, and work, I am trying to do everything for him and make sure he isn’t under pressure. I don’t want him to have to go to the shops because he is likely to come back in agony and unable to do much. And if I am with clients he still needs to be here with the little one. Normally I would be expecting him to do a lot more with sorting out dinner while I am fully booked with clients, but right now I don’t feel I can. If something happens and he hurts himself then I can’t see clients because someone needs to be with the little one.
I am a therapist, a wife and a mother and there is no time for anything else. There is no time to work out who I am. I have cut out anything else, like the volunteering. Everything that remains is weighing me down a lot – and I don’t feel I have any options.
I am used to moving forward (or maybe moving away from something) at pace! So I am not comfortable feeling like I am sitting in stagnant water, unable to move.
It will change, of course.
It’s only been 2 months since I spent 2 days reliving trauma and being traumatised.
2 months since I dealt with the massive injustice of the court result.
2 months I let go of everything that was holding me back.
But I’m still here. Still stopped. My head knows it. That’s what the dreams are about. They are about being responsible but not being able to do anything. They are about being out of control. They are about my subconscious trying to make sense of the stuff I am struggling with through the day.