Yesterday evening, while the hubby and I watched TV, we noticed this on the wall.
It is a scribble from a black pen.
About a month ago we had an amnesty with the little one on all the places she had drawn that weren’t paper. We got her to show us everywhere that she had drawn. There were lots – including this on the back of a new chair
But we let it all go on the basis that
a) She would never draw on anything other than paper again
b) We had no idea when it happened so couldn’t fairly punish her for something that could have happened a while ago
Today she was supposed to go swimming with her best friend from school. She says he’s her boyfriend and she wants to marry him. She’s 5. It will change!
And then she drew on the wall again.
Last night we talked about how to deal with it. The hubby said she had already gone to bed and been very good on the basis that she could go swimming, so if we stopped the swimming it would be a mixed message.
Then at just after 9pm she started calling downstairs. Clearly she hadn’t gone to bed as she was supposed to.
So he called her down, we pointed out the black pen, and she clearly understood that it was wrong.
“You can’t go swimming tomorrow” I told her.
She started crying and screaming and begging and telling us she hated us. Eventually she went back upstairs and , after more screaming, went to sleep.
This morning she woke up all happy and full of enthusiasm for going swimming.
I told her she wouldn’t be going.
I’m afraid my little girl is a bit too used to getting her own way. She is spoilt.
And so there is absolutely no way she can go swimming. She has to learn this lesson or else our spoilt cute little princess is going to turn into a spoilt monster of a teenager.
The little one got her first school report from P1 the other day and she did brilliantly. She is classed as ‘secure’ in all skills which is the best level she can be. We are very proud of her
And because she did so well the hubby bought her present that she really wanted. A flying fairy
She is so happy with it she keeps running back to him and telling him how much she loves it!
She has done so well in her first year of school. Her reading is brilliant and her social skills have come on a mile. The only slight area to work on his her numeracy. She loves it but is not quite as confident with her numbers as she is with her words.
What May brought was pretty amazing in both good and bad ways so I think it’s worth taking a moment to take stock
1. I have been signed by a publisher for my book The Caveman Rules of Survival. I truly believe this book has the potential to be huge and to change many lives.
2. I broke even in my business and for the first time got through the month without dipping into the payout from the last job. In July I will have been full time for a year and that is a pretty amazing achievement in less than a year.
3. My father came to stay for a few days. Given that I haven’t spent any time with my father since I was 9 this was huge too. And it was good.
4. Things are progressing with the police. This is a high and a low. It’s what I wanted to happen to protect others but it is taking a significant personal toll on me that is making everything really difficult right now.
5. Because of the process with the police we decided not to go ahead with fostering. It’s too much for me. It’s a shame but we have to do what’s right for our family.
6. The hubby got paid for some work he did and is really getting back into App development. He has an app written for me that we will be getting out for Apple devices soon.
Business is going well with a combination of clients in Aberdeen, Dundee and online and products like my “How to avoid screwing up your kids” course and the Weekly Willpower Workout starting to sell more and more.
Family is great. The little one is thriving at school and a shining light now matter how dark things get.
I have a truly wonderful life and am very lucky to be doing what I love surrounded by the people I love.
I’m waiting. For someone to come along and look after me. To make it all ok.
“Be kind to yourself” friends say.
“You’ve been through a lot” they say “take some time to yourself”
“Do what you tell us to do” they say “keep a note of the positives”
And I can’t – won’t – do that.
I don’t deserve any of that. I don’t deserve for this to be easier.
That’s why I’m waiting, you see. I’m waiting for someone to come along and tell me that there is nothing wrong with me. That I am ok – it’s ok for me to be kind to myself. It’s ok to use those techniques on myself that will make life easier.
But I don’t think I should. I can’t – won’t – do any of that.
Because I’m not ok.
There is stuff that is probably going to happen over the next 6 months, because of a process that I started, that is going to be really really tough for me. I started this for a reason and I will do everything in my power to protect others from going through what I went through. But there is a significant toll on me. It hurts.
I know what I need to do to lessen the hurt but I can’t – won’t – do it.
Why should I hurt less? I deserve to hurt. I enjoy hurting.
I need someone to tell me it’s ok.
I don’t know who that someone is and that someone probably doesn’t even exist. It’s all inside of me.
And yet instead of taking action I wait. I behave like the victim.
In every other area of my life I take action. I make things happen. People look on in awe as I make things happen. I don’t wait. I don’t need anyone else. I just do it. I have an idea for a book, 3 months later it’s written and has a publisher. I have an idea for therapy and straight away I make it happen. I want to teach my daughter to ride a bike, I take some time and make it happen.
I make things happen in every area of my life. I take action. I don’t wait. I don’t do waiting.
But on this I do. When it comes to me, my thoughts and my feelings, I wait.
I wait for a knight in shining armour to come along and fight the evil dragon whilst I swoon nearby.
I wait for someone to protect me. To look after me. To make everything ok.
But no one is going to come. It’s all inside of me.
And yet I still wait.
So on Facebook the other day I saw this
And I wanted one. What a great product! It seems it isn’t quite in production yet and will probably be quite expensive (and American!) when it is so it could be a while before we get it over here in the UK.
So I got creative. I have the boxes from a fridge and freezer I bought because ours went kaput
I’ve been a bit pants at sharing photos on this blog lately so let me just share a few random ones
We played tennis. Well, I say ‘played tennis’ but what I mean is she ran around the court with a racquet chasing the ball and giggling hysterically
We went to the beach and had a picnic in the car because the weather wasn’t great
There was a commonwealth games day at school
She had a great time and despite spending 2 hours sat in a seat in the sun without refreshments I actually quite enjoyed it too. It was well organised and there was a great spirit which meant all the kids had a great time whether they won or not.
Anyway, seems we are really busy and I’m not getting much time to blog so sorry about that!
In June 2011 I wrote this post
It was the night before I flew down to London to see a strange bloke who was a Cognitive Hypnotherapist called Trevor Silvester. Strange because I’d never heard of him or Cognitive Hypnotherapy. Strange because I was told he would be able to help me within a few sessions. Strange because much though I wanted to believe that was possible I couldn’t see any way it could be true.
Now it’s 3 years later.
I have seen him for a total of 8 sessions over the three years and he has changed my life.
I am happy. I love my life. I love my family and friends and I love my job.
Now, not only have I found happiness but I have also left the day job and become a full time Cognitive Hypnotherapist. Now I help others in the way I have been helped.I am breaking new ground too because I want to help as many people as possible. So 50% of what I do is online via Skype or Facetime. Therapy shouldn’t be limited by geography.
I have a new book coming out called The Caveman Rules of Survival and soon I hope to be travelling the world doing talks and reaching more and more people.
I have taken action on things in my life that I never would have dreamed possible. Those things are progressing and one day I hope to have more I can tell you. But for now it’s enough to know I have done some of the most difficult things I could imagine in the last 6 months but I’m still ok.
I have also re-connected with my father. He even came to stay the other week and the little one got to hang out with her Poppa for a few days. It was nice for both of them. It was also nice for me and it was nice for him (I think!) It would not have been possible 3 years ago. Not because of him but because of me.
Everything has changed in a way I could never have dreamed was possible. I am so different and yet I am still me. It’s just that I am way more me and way less a protective shell these days.
This journey is not really about the destination. This journey is about what I learn along the way.
There are things that have changed in a positive way and then gone off again as we get through another layer. Like my weight. At times weight and food has been fine for me and then at other times something I have done with Trevor has moved me forward on one area and back again on weight. This is where I am. My outside doesn’t match my inside and because I know it can change and I don’t have to accept the battle I am going back. I know now that I can’t lose the weight. I need it for protection right now. But I also know that doesn’t have to be the way it stays. In July I go back to see Trevor.
The journey will always continue and I love it!
Great news! I have signed a publishing deal for my new book “The Caveman Rules of Survival”
This book will change the way you think about the way you think in the same way as “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” and “Emotional Intelligence” did.
Our brain is well overdue a software upgrade. We still appear to be very much stuck on following rules for survival based on the caveman days and given our subconscious is in charge for up to 90% of the day and is following these rules, it’s a problem!
All through childhood our subconscious is writing rules in a rulebook that will keep us safe when we reach adulthood. How does it work out these rules? They are based on 3 basic rules of survival.
RULE 1 : REACT FIRST OR DIE THINKING
When you are being attacked by the Sabre Toothed Tiger you don’t have time to evaluate if you have your best spear with you or if the terrain is suitable for running away…you just have to react. So the subconscious is designed to act without thinking. To trigger a physical response that will prevent you from getting hurt
Why this doesn’t work in the modern day
These days there are no predators. So we don’t need to trigger a physical reaction to survive. In fact, the risk of being hurt that our subconscious is now using is emotional hurt. And the subconscious is a primitive emotional brat. So a primitive emotional brat is trying to protect us from emotional hurt by making our heart race, our breathing speed up and generally get us ready for Flight, Fight or Freeze.
RULE 2 : IF YOUR PARENTS DON’T LOVE YOU, YOU WILL DIE
If our parents didn’t connect with us in the caveman days then we wouldn’t get fed and we would die. So it was critical that as children we behaved in whatever way was necessary to create the strongest connection with our parents.
Why this doesn’t work in the modern day
Generally, whatever our connection with our parents, we still get fed. Society will ensure we are looked after and not left for the beasties. However caveman rules dictate that as we grow up we do whatever is necessary to please our parents and so every interaction is evaluated to ensure our behaviours don’t mean that our parents love us less. So for example if your mum is having a really bad day and happens to shout at you just at the moment you ask for help with your homework…according to caveman rule you might think “If I ask for help my mother shouts at me, which means if I ask for help she won’t love me. Not being loved means I’ll die so the best solution is to not ask for help anymore”
RULE 3 : IF YOU ARE NOT PART OF THE PACK YOU WILL DIE
Why this doesn’t work in the modern day
We don’t have to fit in to survive. In modern society it is possible to survive without anyone else’s help. And yet the caveman need to fit in means that we are genetically programmed to try and fit in – especially when we are children. Being singled out as different for anything is generally regarded by the subconscious as a bad thing, even if you don’t consciously care. When the subconscious thinks something is threatening your survival it will go into protection mode and do everything it can to try and prevent you from getting hurt. So you may find a constant internal battle going on between what you want and what your brain believes you need to survive
The book should be out in 2-3 months.
You can track the progress of the book by keeping an eye on my new website www.thecavemanrulesofsurvival.com
After being on the waiting list for nearly a year, the little one has a place in our local Rainbows at last
The bottoms are a bit big for her right now!
After 3 weeks of attending she totally loves it. And the best thing is she is mixing with girls from another school so it expands her circle of friends too.