The Moiderer

Dreams

I have always had bad dreams.

Most of the time I don’t remember these dreams. Occasionally I do and they leave a shadow through the day.

Sometimes I don’t dream much at all.

But what I know, is when I remember dreams they are bad ones. With the same characters from my past in them, and with the same generic theme of being out of control.

For the last two nights I’ve had good dreams.

Dreams that I felt good from when I woke up and I love it!

Even more interesting is the content of these 2 dreams.

The first one involved me doing a 5 mile run with a couple of friends from way back in the day (not the sort that would run). It was across fields and involved climbing onto the roofs of buildings – how bizarre! But I won the race and it was easy for me.

Then last night it was a weird sort of triathlon. I had to swim 4 lengths of a very short pool and then run up and down the edge of the pool 8 time. Tom Daley (the British diver) was there taking part. Again I won and again it was easy.

What weird dreams these are eh? No idea what they mean but also, to some degree, don’t care. Because they are good!

I’m back

You may not have realised I’d been away.

I’ve been posting every day as I usually do and sharing what goes on in my life with you all.

But I’ve been away in my head since I met my brother.

I’d lost my happy place and I just couldn’t seem to find my way back.

It was weird because no matter what I tried, nothing seemed to make a difference. Not even Trevor’s magic emails were making a dent in my misery.

Even the endorphins from a long run in the sunshine didn’t help.

I was beginning to feel I’d lost my happy place for good. That everything that I’d achieved was superficial and had just collapsed with even the smallest nudge.

And yet…

…I knew this wasn’t true. It’s kind of hard to explain but there was no substance to the misery. It wasn’t attached to an event, a memory, a thing. It was just a feeling.

My bounce was gone and I really didn’t understand why.

Then last night, as I once more reflected, I realised something.

I had shut down. I had gone back into the little safe protected spot in my head where I can’t be hurt. It’s been such a long time since I visited, I barely recognised it. It may be safe but it’s no fun.

And now, I know what fun looks like and feels like. I know how good it is to feel happy and buoyant each day. I know how good it is to not be focussed inwards, protecting myself, but to be looking outwards and sharing with others.

So, having realised where I was, and why I was there, I made a decision.

I opened the door and stepped out.

And then I closed the door behind me.

And now I’m happy again. I’m back to having fun.

Phew!

You can read my whole journey here. I suggest if you’ve not visited before you scroll back to the first post!

This post in written in support of promoting and raising awareness of the CLIC Sargent Yummy Mummy Week - 10th to 18th March 2012.

This weeks theme is Survival

Quantum leap and me

I used to love Quantum Leap the TV series. This is the Wiki write up

Quantum Leap is an American television series that was broadcast on NBC from March 26, 1989 to May 5, 1993, for a total of five seasons. The series was created by Donald Bellisario, and starred Scott Bakula as Dr. Sam Beckett, a physicist from six years in the future (during the series' original run) who becomes lost in time following a time travel experiment, temporarily taking the places of other people to "put right what once went wrong". Dean Stockwell co-starred as Al Calavicci, Sam's womanizing, cigar-smoking sidekick and best friend, who appeared as a hologram that only Sam, animals, and young children could see and hear.The series featured a mix of comedy, drama and melodrama, social commentary, nostalgia and science fiction, which won it a broad range of fans. One of its trademarks is that at the end of each episode, Sam "leaps" into the setting for the next episode, usually uttering a dismayed "Oh, boy!"

It occurred to me, as I have struggled since meeting with my brother, that it is awfully like a Quantum Leap scenario.

In the programme, Sam, the main character gets dragged back through time and finds himself in a scenario in someone else’s body. It takes him a while to work out who he is. He then has to become that person whilst using his own innate skills to solve their problem so he can leap back out of their body again.

I thought I had reached a point in my personal journey where I was pretty much sorted.

I feel happy, confident and in control. I look at each day and each week with optimism. I enjoy my life and sharing it with the people around me. On Saturday, as I sat giggling at Trevor as he taught the course I realised that I was looking at him almost as a stranger. He was the bloke teaching the course and not so much the bloke that helped me change my life. It was actually quite bizarre!

Then on Saturday night I met with my brother. I paid for a taxi to bring him to my hotel and to take him back home again.

I stayed up until 1:30am talking to him. I was trying to work out if I could help and I realised I couldn’t. Maybe someone else can but not me. He told me about all his troubles.He told me how he’d tried to kill himself and put his affairs in order, written a will etc. Apparently I was named in it but what he has that I’d want I have no idea! He told me how he didn’t plan on living much beyond the next 2-3 years. He told me that he was chilled and contented right now and then without realising it shared with me that it clearly wasn’t true.

I talked to him about Cognitive Hypnotherapy. He said he understood how it worked but it wouldn’t work on him. But I could tell he would like it to. I used the pendulum on him and he realised how powerful it was but he couldn’t think of anything he’d like to ask it to change.

I told him I was happy. He didn’t even acknowledge what I said. He didn’t care.

He said he was worried by how cold it was because he hadn’t got any money off the dole since he came out of prison 4 weeks before. I gave him all the cash I had in my wallet but the cashpoint in the hotel didn’t work so I couldn’t give him any more. He said it was ok, that I could transfer some money to his account.

At 1:30 am he left with a bottle of cider from the bar and £60 in his wallet.

He left me with an empty wallet and a feeling of being totally out of control again. He left me with that familiar misery that I have lived with for so long.

For the 3.5 hours he was with me I was like Sam out of Quantum leap. I was back as the Dawn before I started seeing Trevor. In fact I was the 18 year old Dawn. It felt like almost everything I had didn’t exist anymore. The only reminder was the fact that I was sat in a bar in a hotel, having just given him a load of cash.
He left and I was shaken.

The next day I got up at 5am having had a fitful sleep from 2am.

I made my way into college with my eyes to the ground and a maelstrom in my head. When I saw Trevor, the unfamiliarity was gone and there was the guy that had helped me find myself stood in front of me again. I wanted him to tell me it was ok, that I could cope. But I didn’t want to tell him that I’d screwed up, met my brother and was now in this deep dark hole. After all, this was day 2 of the course – this was not about me.

So I stewed.

Every break I took myself off to a quiet space as soon as I could and I tried to work out what was going on in my head. I found myself distracted as we went through the day, wanting only to find a nice dark corner to sit in.

When the course finished I sent the others off on their own (I usually travel back to the airport with a couple of friends off the course). I slowly walked through Regents Park to Baker street tube. I chatted to the squirrels, observed the birds, watched my feet as they walked along.

I eventually settled in at the airport and started working on my exam pack for the course to try and get my head somewhere else. I gave in an emailed Trevor. He reassured me that I’d just stirred stuff up and it would settle.

It did start to settle. But it hasn’t yet gone away.

I am still in the time warp.

I have realised a number of things

• I was stupid to think it was a good idea to meet with my brother
• I am not well enough established as the “new me” to cope with anything from my old life
• I can’t help my brother.
• I have a lot more work to do on myself.

I guess, like Sam from Quantum Leap I need to take action on these feelings then I can leap back to the me now. And get back to enjoying everything about my life. I think, it’s going to take a while longer for me to get back to enjoying being myself again.

Weekend 5 - Day 2

 Well where do I start?

After the course yesterday a few us went to the pub for dinner. And as I mentioned in yesterdays post, I decided, in a moment of temporary instanity, to try and meet up with my brother. The logistics of this required me to book and pay for a cab for him to come over to my hotel, and the same in return. 

He lives in New Cross and there was no way I was going there!

So here he is. No spiky punk hair because it was too cold. 

It was after 10pm by the time he arrived and it was about 1:30am when I waved goodbye to him. I got him to record a video for the little one which he did in his own inimitable way and scared the heck out of her when she watched it! At least it gives her time to get used to him before she meets him in person when I bring her down with me to watch me run the marathon. 

I wanted to suss out what I could do for him using Cognitive Hypnotherapy. My conclusion was 'not a lot'. Firstly he was very much 'I see how it can work for some but it won't for me'. It took all my skills to explain it to him and I eventually had to break out the pendulum to prove it. He also has epilepsy and hears voices as a result of the way he's abused his body with drugs and alcohol over the years. Neither of these are particularly good around hypnotherapy. I think if anyone can help him, it will have to be one of my fellow trainees at Quest. He would be great practice for them though! 

It appears he spent 6 weeks over xmas in prison. How he has got to 41, having been a junkie since he was 16, without a previous record is a mystery - but he has. It apparently was a huge fear for him and he took some pretty drastic steps to avoid going in there. But it seems that once there he coped well and his biggest problem was a horrible purple tracksuit they made him wear. At least he still had his tatoos!

He headed home in a taxi at 1:30am - with all the money I had in my wallet to keep him going and a bottle of magners in his pocket!

Needless to say I didn't sleep well and it was well past 2am before I settled. I was up again at 5am. I don't cope well with contact with certain members of my family and I feel like I have taken a number of steps back after meeting him. I have spent the day either wanting to cry or run headlong into the nearest wall multiple times. I don't entirely understand why I feel this way but I'm sure it will pass because of that. If it was more solid I could use a technique. The fact that it isn't must mean it will pass (I hope!)

At least it wasn't too cold this morning. I even managed a chat with this little chappy on the way home

So on the course: this weekend is, I think, one of the most powerful weekends for the personal development of the people on the course. We look initially at what our values are in life, usually around either our relationships or our careers. The way these exercises work is that you first list all your values, then you rank them in priority (usually surprising yourself by the ones that come top) and then you get to the "what's that all about" of each of the values to get to the real underlying drivers. 

You know how we often say "there's part of me that wants to X" or something like that? Well we look at the limiting belief we have around these values. Then we do one of the coolest techniques in the Cognitive Hypnotherapy toolkit called Visual Squash 

 In this technique you visualise the two different parts of yourself on each hand. You do some work to show that actually both the part you want to resolve and the other, often more positive part, have the same intention in your subconscious. Then with your eyes closed your hands come together and in that the two parts become integrated. 

It was very powerful for many people on the course, including my partner who said it was the biggest and most significant change in her since we started the course. It was nice to have been in a position to make that possible.

So now I am once more waiting in London City Airport. My friend that was up for the weekend has gone home. She had a fab day with the little one yesterday, taking her all over the place. This morning the little one wasn't well and actually had a nap which is unheard of. But apparently she perked up after, so fingers crossed. 

I am sure this feeling I am carrying will pass soon, and I'm sure having only 3 hours sleep has something to do with it! Luckily I am off work Friday - Tuesday next week so might get a chance to catch up with myself!

Feel the fear and do it anyway

It’s now been 4 weeks since my last session with Trevor.

These days I am way better at being tuned into the differences in myself after these sessions but to be honest it would be impossible not to notice this time.

My school report when I was about 16 read “does well in familiar surroundings”. The ‘best’ category was worded as “does well in familiar and unfamiliar surroundings”

I was always put out by not getting the best score but the reality is that it was a very accurate assessment.

You see I have always been scared of everything. So much so that I have always had to ignore what my head is saying (Run away and hide!) in order to function effectively. If going somewhere new I would always do a check to make sure I had worked out where the front door was! (if possible)

Take a deep breath, close your eyes and jump.

That has been my mantra for life. Don’t let your doubts dictate your behaviours. For me, that was the only way I could ever do anything.

But it didn’t change the fact that every situation with an element of something new was terrifying to me and required me to draw on my inner resources to do it.

Last week I took a trip to Enniskillen with work. For a trip like this I would check I had all the travel arrangements sorted. I had to hire a car and drive after flying, so I would have printed the map. I would have the contact details of the hotel. I would be incredibly nervous until I reached my hotel.

But it was different.

I wasn’t nervous. I was actually excited.

I felt like a kid seeing a whole new world.

“I’m different” I thought.

“I don’t recognise this person”

You see, it seems I am no longer scared of everything.

I don’t get drowned in a feeling of dread.

I no longer have to “feel the fear and do it anyway”

I hadn’t realised how much that fear dictated so many dimensions of my daily life. I only realised when it was gone.

So there you go, the latest change from my sessions with Trevor is that I am no longer scared of everything.

Pretty cool.

The Gallery–my brother

The theme for this weeks Gallery is A family story

Interesting.

This is my brother.

The last picture is my brother with my real father (as opposed to Stepfather)

So let me tell you a family story. This is obviously very sketchy in some of the details.

My mother was born with a form of Spina Bifida that meant she had a hole in her spine. The problems she suffered as a child were put down to growing pains but when she gave birth to me and my brother, who is nearly 2 years older than me, they realised there was something serious going on.

When I was about 3 my mother ended up in hospital because of this.

At some point during her time in hospital my father (pictured above) got together with my stepmother. She moved in and my mother was kicked out.

My brother and I lived with my father and stepmother until I was about 9. She didn’t like us. We were neglected and hit often. It wasn’t fun. We saw my mother very little. In fact, the first time I saw her after the split I didn’t know who she was.

As we got older my mother met a new man who would later become my stepfather. We went to stay with them occasionally.

Then one year, when I was about 9, we went to stay with them and we never went back. From that point onwards we lived with my mother and my stepfather.

My brother and I could have been united by the experiences of our early years but we were not. He disliked me and used to threaten to punch me many 1000’s of times (typical kid stuff) if I did something he didn’t like or spoke when he didn’t want me to. We didn’t share toys. If we went anywhere together I had to walk some way behind him. To him I was never anything more than an annoying sister that he didn’t want around.

When we moved in with our mother we lived as separate lives as is possible at that age. My father disowned us and didn’t have anything further to do with us. In later years, my brother would visit him and they would chat. If I tried to visit him I was sent packing sharpish.

Life was no better living with my stepfather and mother. My mother was ill and limited, and my stepfather was a bastard.

Still, my brother and I never really pulled together to support each other.

We moved back to Wales when I was 10 or so and life carried on as it had always done. Then, shortly before his 16th birthday my brother ran away from home, down to London. My parents went to get him and brought him back.

But now he had learnt what he needed to do. He waited until after his 16th Birthday and ran away again. This time they didn’t bring him back.

I never forgave him for running away and leaving me. Given our relationship there was no way he would have taken me with him, but I always wished he had.

He stayed in touch with my mother occasionally and every now and then he would visit. He had a tough time. He always wanted to be a punk and has been ever since he left home. He has been on drugs since then and has had a few close shaves for sure. But he is one of life’s survivors and no matter what happens he always seems to come through ok.

A good number of years ago he got in touch with me. He said family was the most important thing and he tried to reconnect. I have tried for many years to accept that connection, but family isn’t important to me, and he abandoned me leaving me to deal with everything on my own.

A few years back I went to his wedding. It was unique and I made a unique cake to go with it

I have a wonderful family and an amazing life now.

I have also found acceptance of myself and learnt to be happy in my life.

One day, I might try and help him do the same thing.

This was all put together for this weeks gallery over at sticky fingers where the subject is "A family story"

Positive of the day

It seems that it is human nature to focus on those things in our day that do not go as we would like, rather than accept and enjoy the successes we have.

When we are trying to drive some kind of change in our lives, the success of that change can be very dependent on our ability to acknowledge progress and forgive failure.

Let’s face it, there are very few fundamental life changes that happen overnight (certainly not the good sort anyway!)

So how do we rise out of the darkness and choose to make our lives positive? How do we take control ourselves of the way things go and choose to interpret things in the most positive way possible?

…and more importantly, what the heck am I doing writing this post?!

Those of you who have been following this blog for a while will know that when I first started my Cognitive Hypnotherapy, one of the things I was asked to do after my first session was to review the positive(s) in my day at the end of each day.

This is not something that has ever come naturally to me.

I have chosen the stance of a pessimist in life. Expect the worst then you can’t be disappointed. Expect the worst and things will almost always turn out better than you expect.

But it’s not a great approach for recognising change. Especially when you are trying to reprogramme the way you have thought for 20 years. Or when you are trying to lose weight and you just want it to be gone and for everything to be different.

So I set about blogging my positive of the day. It’s fair to say I didn’t get it quite right because I was picking big things each day. Then again, big things were happening to me.

But it did help me to learn to focus on what was changing instead of what was not. It tuned me in to a certain way of thinking that I have continued since then.

Now, I am very clued up to things that are different in me, and this is still often a daily insight (even though I don’t blog it daily any more). It also helps me with my Thinking Slimmer journey as despite not feeling like I’m losing weight, I am able to focus on the signs that I am different now.

I still haven’t learnt to forgive myself for my ‘failures’. I am hoping that one day I will become as good at that as I am now at recognising my achievements.

What do you think? Worth a bash.

At the end of each day, take a moment and write it down (if you love notepads buy a shiny one for this), or blog it, or even put it in your mobile phone each day in your calendar. Imagine how much fun it will be to look back after a few months and review your Positive of the Day.

While you're at it, you might want to check out this book “Bubbles of Happiness” by Ozge Karabiyik. She is a lady that I didn’t know but her story has touched me. She was clearly an amazing person. She was a Cognitive Hypnotherapist trained by Trevor. She fainted one day and banged her head so badly that she died a short while later having never regained consciousness. From reading about her, her life touched and continues to touch so many people in a positive way, she was clearly a remarkable women. Her partner published this book that she was writing. All proceeds go to Macmillan.

Everything changes

I don't know me anymore.
I've never been here before.
I don't know where I'm going and yet I'm excited

Who I am is changing daily and I love it.

Into the wardrobe

This is my attempt to use Narnia to explain where I am on my personal journey. Bear with me on this one, and if you have never read The Chronicles of Narnia I suggest you skip this post!

One day you step into a room that has always been there but you were never aware of. A set of circumstances came together such that one day, you find yourself walking into that room. For me, those circumstances were talking to Sandra at Thinking Slimmer about why I felt it wouldn’t work for me.

In that room you spot a wardrobe. It is big and intimidating, but you look behind you and where you have come from is far worse. You take a deep breath and walk into the wardrobe. At first it is dark and weird, but you discover you can keep walking through the wardrobe. You push through even though it is scary but where you have come from is worse. Eventually you discover that the wardrobe leads to a new, unfamiliar world that is both different and exciting. Stepping through wardrobe was making the decision to go and see Trevor, the founder of Cognitive Hypnotherapy

This new world shows you that the place you have come from is not the only way the world has to be. There are other worlds and other ways of living. You meet new and different people who don’t know anything about where you have come from and treat you as the person you present, and judge you by the behaviours you exhibit instead of the “why” behind the way you are. You find it liberating to see that you can be who you choose to be.

You keep glancing back to the where the wardrobe is, and wondering if you should go back. Sometimes you even try it but it’s as if, now you have seen that there is a different world out there, that this old place is twice as scary. You realise you like being whoever you choose to be.

Then one day you meet Aslan. He teaches you how to tap in to your resources. He guides you through the challenges you face day-by-day, to draw on those resources instead of assuming you were defined by where you came from. He teaches you that nothing needs to be now the way it used to be before. This is Trevor

There are days where you struggle. You find you need to constantly draw on Aslan’s guidance over what to do as you are faced with new and unfamiliar situations. Even when not with him, his words echo in your head as you explore what your resources are.

Increasingly you are faced with situations where your new friends come to you for your help. You give it willingly, happy to share in a way you have never been able to before. Thrilled that you can help. There are battles and challenges in this new world, and soon you realise that the lessons you have learnt have given you the strength to lead others through those battles.

You find, over time, you think about the wardrobe less and less.

You find, over time, that you are far more defined by your new behaviours than anything you brought with you from the other world.

And you find, over time, that you no longer seek out Aslan for guidance constantly. You look forward to seeing him but treat his company more as that of a friend than a guide. Appreciating him for his own qualities rather than the lessons you need to learn from him.

One day, as you are out riding, you come across an area of your new world that is familiar. You vaguely recollect that it has meaning but you also remember that it was not a good place to go back to.

Smiling to yourself, you turn away from that place and carry on living your life, surrounded by people you love and living your life the way you choose to live it.

Unburdened

It is very strange to find myself writing this so soon after a session with Trevor.

In previous sessions we have done 'stuff' and although it has had an immediate, often dramatic, impact, it has taken a good few weeks for my head and my emotions to catch up with each other and settle. To understand what this new way of thinking means to the way I interact with the world.

It is not an easy process. Not at all. There is lots of confusion and turmoil. There are moments of insight and clarity but also some real lows.

But that is inevitable. After all, we are reprogramming over 20 years of beliefs and behaviours and that doesn't change overnight.

Well, it didn't previously anyway.

But this one was different and I'm not really sure why.

After this session I felt like I had been relieved of a massive burden I was carrying around. I walked out of the room feeling free in a way I've never felt before.

And this was a feeling. My head still hadn't caught up with what we did. It still hasn't.

For the first time I am being governed by the feeling as opposed to the thoughts. The old thoughts remain but find no response when they are triggered.

I attended my course at the weekend feeling calm and relaxed and almost self assured. My head kept on saying "what the hell is going on here"!

It is an amazing feeling. I am going into situations or even thoughts with expectations of how it will make me feel that are no longer true.

If I thought I was happy before, I was miles off. This is what it's all about. This is the Dawn I was always supposed to be.

"The best is yet to come" is something Trevor keeps telling me. After Friday I reckon we're getting pretty darned close to be honest.

In an email the other day, Trevor made what seemed like a throwaway comment but, knowing him, was probably just another nudge against my boundaries. We were talking about what all these childhood experiences are that we're sorting in the context of what I share with you on this blog.

"Most people reading will guess what it's about"

And you know what, maybe as you've been reading you have an inkling. But that is all. You don't know what it's all about. And maybe one day I'll tell you (that I can write that shows how far I've come). But the first 18 years of my life were a write off for many different reasons.

A few years back, the hubby and I looked into fostering. We both wanted to give other kids a chance to have at least some part of their childhood that was safe, nurturing and loving. That's why we wanted to foster not adopt.

We went all the way through the process, 12 weeks of training etc. But the social services people didn't like the idea that I was out working and the hubby was at home. Despite have a solid base, large house, garden, 1 parent at home at all times, willingness etc. In the end their determination paid off and we never submitted the final form.

The point to the story? In one training session we covered the different ways children may be abused. On a reasonably long list, there was only 1 thing I couldn't put a tick against applying to me.

But it doesn't matter does it? Because thanks to Trevor and Cognitive Hypnotherapy none of that matters any more. It no longer defines me. What it does do is give me the resources I need to be the best Cognitive Hypnotherapist I can possibly be. Because now, I can use that to help as many people as possible. And if I only achieve for them a fraction of what Trevor has done for me, then it makes it all worthwhile.

Without my past I would not be at this point now. And this is one of the coolest places to be. It's so good, that I want you all to hang out here with me.

So I'm going to say something now I never thought I'd say. I'm grateful for my childhood. For everything that happened. For what I have learnt. Because it brought me to Trevor and the beginning of what is going to be a truly amazing future.