The Moiderer

Indulge me a little…

…my head is a bit screwed up right now.

I have always had a drive to help people. I always wanted to do what I could to stop people feeling the pain that I felt.

But the reality was I was never very good at it. I was very closed off to protect myself and I didn’t have the techniques and skills to help myself let alone anyone else.

Then I came across Cognitive Hypnotherapy and my life was transformed. From that very first session with Trevor I could see not only how it was helping me but that I really wanted to learn it so I could help others.

And so I did.

And it has been amazing. This massive hidden approach that can transform lives so effectively and so rapidly.

I wanted everyone to know about it so I put what I’d been through in a book to try and reach as many as possible and I embarked on a mission to get out there and use my story to let people know what’s possible.

And the further down my journey I went, the easier it became to share details of my past. To share the story that I had held back on because the journey is what counts.

But I recognised some people need the details of what you have overcome – not just how you have overcome it.

So then I looked for ways to connect with volunteering organisations to offer hands on help.

I started planning how I could do talks and maybe even ultimately TED talks – all to get the message out there “Nothing needs to be the way it’s always been”. There is an option.

Yesterday I went to meet with the board of governor's of a local women’s rape and sexual abuse charity. This was an opportunity to combine my business skills with my therapy and my background.

I talked through why I felt I wanted to be involved.

It was not an easy conversation. The women were lovely and attentive. It wasn’t about them, it was about me. I gave them copies of my book so they could understand what was possible and they will put a copy in their library.

We’re not sure how we will progress now – I will wait to hear from them.

But meanwhile I had a bit of a problem.

Because talking about my story is not good for me. It put me in such a dark place of self loathing and despair.

A place I don’t go anywhere near these days in my new shiny happy life.

And is this the way of it? If I try and share my story is this what is going to happen every time? I thought I was over this. I thought the demons of my past were laid to rest.

Yes, I have a bunch of stuff stirred up with my father that I am seeing Trevor about in a couple of weeks but to use a cliché, life is a journey not a destination. Where I am now is totally different to where I was 2 years ago.

Does this mean that my vision of being able to use my story and my skills and experience to help as many people as possible is not going to happen because every time I talk about it I sink? In June I am talking to a bunch of schoolgirls. It’s a motivational talk to show that whatever your past you can still be successful in life. It won’t be as intense as the one yesterday so I guess I’ll see how this one affects me and take it from there.

Dad

I thought I’d try that title.

Dad.

Not “My father”

Dad.

Because that’s what I have in my life. My dad.

You have no idea how hard it is to type the word. To say the word in my head. It’s like every time I do I get a little stab in my heart.

Dad.

“With love, Dad”

That’s how he signs his emails to me.

They are written with fondness and with respect.

Our email exchange has been open and honest. On both sides.

“I love you. You are my daughter. Love and affection, Dad”

It hurts. It hurts way more than it should.

I have not had a dad since I was 9. I have had a stepfather. I have had a person who used to be my dad who wouldn’t talk to me any more.

A person who used to be my dad who didn’t want any contact with me.

A person who appeared to go to great lengths to hide my existence from my half-sister

A person who didn’t want me.

And now I have a dad.

A person who tells me he was in a very difficult situation. One I can understand completely.

A person who believes he made decisions that were in my best interest.

A person who has shared facts that include being given custody of 2 kids in the 70’s. A father being given custody. An unusual thing even in this day and age.

A person who has shown me a different perspective on my childhood that I can’t ignore. A perspective that no matter how I feel about him, fundamentally changes the way I see myself.

“With love, Dad.”

It might be true.

He might love me.

And that…that really hurts. So much so that the emotional pain becomes almost physical. Almost unbearable.

“I must say, I can not help but to be proud of you Dawn”

A new level of pain that has now reached almost unbearable.

What if it’s true?

What if I have a dad. Not a father. A dad.

Because that little girl inside of me that is so scared of the world wants her dad.

What I realise I want more than anything is to have a dad that will take me in his arms and tell me that everything is ok.

Tell me that he loves me and will look after me.

The past is behind us. It can’t be changed. There are no second chances and you can’t make amends for what has already gone.

What you can do is form a new relationship.

A relationship based on who you are now.

That’s what I’m trying to do. Build a new relationship with my dad recognising that neither of us are who we used to be.

I can barely stand to say dad. It hurts to hear he loves me. I can’t look at a photo of him without turning away in pain.

Will this change? He is trying. And so am I. I wish I knew why it hurts me so much.

Trevor is helping with perspective via email. Hopefully I will get a chance to go and see him and get rid of this pain so that I can accept my father as my dad.

Maybe, one day I too will sign my emails

“With love, Dawn”

Unlovable

I am broken.

I am flawed.

I am unlovable.

This has been my belief.

A belief that has defined my identity and remained despite finding happiness in who I am and in my life.

A belief based on being neglected and beaten by my stepmother.

A belief based on no apparent intervention to protect me by my father.

A belief based on being abused by my stepfather

A belief on being forced to remain under his care even when it was known what had happened.

A belief that if none of the responsible adults cared about me and loved me then I must be a horrible person. As a child, to receive that treatment I must be unlovable.

This week my father read my book and got in touch.

We have been emailing back and forth. He has signed every email “With love, Dad”

In every email he has told me how much he loves me.

In every he email, he has attempted to explain how he believed he was doing what was best for me, under difficult circumstances for everyone.

My father didn’t have to email me. He had nothing to gain from the communication and was at significant risk of me telling him to sod off.

I didn’t

We talked.

And each time he told me he loved me it hurt. It hurt because it’s totally against what I believe about myself.

I am in turmoil right now. Why does it hurt so much to even try to entertain the idea that I might not be flawed? That it is possible to love me.

I keep trying to think “What would happen if I accepted that I am ok – that I am loveable?”

And I can’t. It hurts too much right now to think that way.

Watch this space because things are changing…again…

The Future

I must admit that I’ve been feeling a little lost lately.

I completed my Cognitive Hypnotherapy training and did a couple of extra courses to qualify as a Master Practitioner.

What this means is that I have no more training to look forward to. I love learning stuff – and learning stuff I can use totally fires me up. Cognitive Hypnotherapy has been brilliant for that. I need to be learning all the time and getting new stuff to try.

I am now continuing to develop my business with a view to being able to go full time by the end of 2014.

I have been totally loving seeing clients in my therapy room which is just the most lovely space I could have hoped for. I also love that I am able to reach out to people all over the world using my Therapy Beyond Geography model. As I gain more experience I am expanding that model to cover more and more issues and it’s giving me the opportunity to reach more people which I love.

The problem is, this stuff is working a little too well. Unlike many therapies I don’t see clients for months and months. A few sessions is usually enough to set them on their way to be everything they can be.

And that’s brilliant. But it’s also a very challenging business model! How do I continue to drive in enough business to support my family? It’s possible – it’s just not easy. And whilst doing a full time job is great to allow me the freedom to build my business, it also doesn’t allow me to fully dedicate myself to building my business. So I don’t have a pipeline of clients waiting to see me and I need that to have any hope of switching to this as a full time career.

My book needs some serious PR. If I get 1 download/sale per week right now it’s a good week! I published the article in the local paper and plan to do even more to get the message out there that “Nothing Needs to be the Way it’s Always Been” There are 21 amazingly positive reviews on Amazon of my book and I know from feedback it really helps people to know what is possible. But I am nobody and there is no reason for people to read my book which is a shame because I am really passionate about reaching as many people as possible. I want everyone to know that happiness is possible.

And so as I find my day job giving me less and less of what I need, and my future plans seem awfully far away due to the challenges of getting the business model to work, I find myself floating in a big empty space feeling like progress is at a halt.

On bad days all I can see is a dark narrowing tunnel ahead of me with no hope.

On good days my world is full of possibilities.

I am very excited about my latest idea to keep me moving forward. I plan on doing a Phd! It’s something I have always wanted to do and I hope to be able to pick a topic around my Cognitive Hypnotherapy work to do it on. I have made contact with a Psychology lecturer at Dundee University and will be having a coffee with him next week. I’m hoping to open up all sorts of avenues from that conversation.

I still have many things to develop including turning my latest training on life/business coaching into a model that fits nicely into my business. The nice thing about life coaching is that it’s easy to do it online. I have a few volunteers who I will be developing and finalising my approach on over the next couple of months.

Basically what I need to do is win enough on the lottery to quit the day job and focus solely on my therapy business! What do you reckon the chances of that happening are?

Fasting and Fat

Well I’ve done the Fast Diet and the Mutu system for 3 weeks now.

I have done the Mutu every day without fail – I even did it in the carriage of my sleeper train. I am now half way through phase 2.

This week I tried fasting for 3 days because I’m finding it so easy. I love the freedom of food not needing to be a part of my day.

With hindsight 3 days in a row may not have been the best choice – although I do dinnertime through to dinnertime so it’s not that big a deal.

The reason I said 3 days in a row might not have been a good choice is based on the fact that I got home late last night and was feeling very shaky, weak and light headed. I’ve not had that before so it may have been that I pushed it too far.

Today I am on a non-fast day but am still finding I have no appetite for crap food. I got loads of fruit, salad and vegetables from Costco last night so am happily eating my way through them! I normally buy cakes and, since Thinking Slimmer only eat half of one cake, but I couldn’t face even buying them this time.

It remains a challenge to me to drink enough. I am more thirsty since starting on the Fast Diet and struggling to quench my thirst. It’s something I need to continue to pay attention to.

So how is this all contributing to my “Beat the Body” campaign?

Well I suppose I should have measured. The scales continue to be unreliable. You could say I have lost 4lbs and about 2.5% of body fat because those are the best numbers I’ve seen. But I could easily stand on the scales and those numbers would be back at the start so they are pretty meaningless.

I feel like I’ve lost some size particularly around my middle. Clothes are a little bit more comfortable and I feel my tops are hanging a bit better (I never wear clingy anyway)

When I look in the mirror I still see a beached whale. I see the rolls of fat hanging over the edge of my jeans. I see a person that is a million miles away from the size 10/12 jeans that I so want to get to. It’s frustrating. The body is still the one in charge round here and that really has to change.

The Mutu system programme that I bought is an 8 week programme. It is my plan to work with the fasting for those 8 weeks at least. I will probably do it longer term even if it’s one day a week for the health benefits. I think for the remaining 5 weeks I will probably do Monday, Wednesday and Friday as fast days. It’s very easy for me to do and I genuinely enjoy it and feel good. I know it is good for my body too so that helps.

A different Mother’s Day

It has always been tinged with anger and bitterness this day.

A day to remind me of what I didn’t have. Of a childhood better forgotten than of photo albums to look back on with a smile. A day where old feelings of resentment, guilt and being different where constantly rubbed in my face.

It wasn’t about Adam’s absence. He is a shadow that is there every day and Mother’s day doesn’t make it better or worse.

These feelings around this day started well before we lost him.

This was all about me.

And I would take it out on the hubby. For him events aren’t important – he loves me equally every day of the year and so each year when he failed to do anything for Mother’s Day I took my anger out on him – like it was his fault I felt like that.

It wasn’t of course.

This year is different.

A couple of weeks ago I resolved that this would be my day.

After all, it’s Mother’s Day and I am a mother. Nobody and nothing changes that.

So my plan was set – it was going to be my day and I would spend it with the little one doing what I wanted to do and enjoying every moment with her.

For the first time ever there were no bad feelings or pangs of pain for me going into the day, seeing the adverts, listening to stories. I looked forward to my day.

Mid morning, as I sat with the little one in the Marks and Spencer's cafe I realised that something was missing.

Bitterness

Anger

Resentment

A sense of life being unfair.

All missing.

In their place a feeling of contentment and peace.

No-one and nothing has the power to define how I feel about myself any more.

Only I can do that and I am choosing to feel good.

And isn’t it amazing how when we take control of our own destiny, suddenly we start to notice things that in the past may have been drowned out by the negatives.

Firstly the little one did a jigsaw for me at school

And then the hubby helped her make this amazing book-card

I didn’t wait for anyone to do me breakfast, lunch or dinner. Instead I chose what I wanted to do. I took the little one to McDonalds for breakfast. It was lovely and then we went to Marks and Spencer's for some bits of food for the week and had coffee and hot chocolate.

It snowed so we built a snow man

I also put some washing away and loaded the dishwasher.

Tonight, if the snow lets me, I’ll fetch a Chinese takeaway because I was too tired last night.

So today has been all about me.

The power sat with me to make it whatever I wanted it to be.

And because of that it has been the best mothers day ever.

And that was my choice.

I am a mother and it was my day.

Their shadow never leaves

Today is the funeral of Matilda Mae, the 9 month old daughter of a lady on Twitter called Jenny (@edspire).

She died suddenly one night after being put to bed a happy healthy child. That day she had learnt to crawl.

I can think of very little worse than burying your own child. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was watch Adam's coffin disappear.

I am not a spiritual person so don’t hold any particular beliefs around a great plan or being. And in some ways this makes it harder.

For Matilda Mae they have named a star and Twitter avatars of thousands of people have changed to a pink and purple star in support of her mother. And in memory. Because Jenny has been able to draw on the support of the online community. It doesn’t help the pain but it does help to not feel so alone.

There is a shadow in my life. A presence that is always there in every moment.

Sometimes it's stronger than others.

It's not a dark shadow. Far from it. It's a bright light. A ghost image.
An image of my little boy.

In everything I do there is a space that he should be occupying. My baby. My little boy growing up and being measured on the wall like we measure the little one.

Fighting and playing with the little one. Being invited to birthday parties and leaving her sulking at home.

Holding in his hands in every moment a piece of my heart.

My little shadow is everywhere in my life.

We always wanted 2 kids. We have 2.  It's just one of them can't be seen by anyone other than us.

One of them carries a piece of our hearts in his hands.

He is a shadow occupying a space in everything I do.

And all the time the little one is an only child I am reminded. We wanted 2 kids. We had 2 kids. But we only have one that we can watch growing up.

The pain is less now, but the shadow never leaves.

I’m a master practitioner

Well that was one hell of a week.

I took the sleeper train to and from a meeting in London on Wednesday. The way down was fine because it’s straight through. It’s quite comfy and has a nice breakfast

The way back was a pain because it stopped at loads of stations and I woke up each time. At 4:30am I gave up. At 6am I arrived back in Dundee. By the time I got home the little one was up but they weren’t out of bed yet so I called her downstairs and told the hubby to have a lie in.

I took her to school, fetched her again and sorted her lunch. I made sure there was shopping in and tidied the kitchen and lounge. I had conference calls all day too so mixed them in. At 4pm they took me to the airport for the 6pm flight back to London for a 2 day course. I really enjoyed my sleep that night!

This was the last of 3 courses that I was taking to get my Master Practitioner qualification. I am really going to miss the time on these courses. Partly because I love to learn stuff and the people in Quest are inspiring to hang around with. Partly because in my hectic life – this is the only thing I do where I get to be me. Not the full time worker, not the mother to the little one, not the wife doing dinner and keeping things going in the house, not the therapist helping others – but me. I get to have dinner with my friends or go shopping without the responsibilities of the family etc hanging over me for just a few hours. I am very much going to miss this freedom.

As I walked through Regent’s Park I had a lot of “this is the last time…” thoughts going through my head

I managed to get some shopping in Westfield

And I had a lovely Almond croissant while waiting in Kings Cross

I was amused when I was there the other day and saw this

Anyway this course was Project You – the Quest branded life/business coaching training. It’s perfect for someone with my background and more powerful than you can imagine when you combine it with the Cognitive Hypnotherapy approach.

I was thrilled to get the qualification and was extra thrilled at the 60+ likes on Facebook and 30+ congratulations messages I received when I posted this picture. I was really feeling the love!

On top of that one of the Questies on the course took a moment at the end to publicly thank me for some of the support I’d given on the Quest forum. It was amazing. I really didn’t know how to react!

The course was supposed to be 3 days but I swapped to come back on the train so I could get home in time for the little one’s dinner on Sunday. It was a long boring trip home but she was so excited to see me it was worth it.

This is the last course I’ve booked to go on because I know the hubby has a real problem with me going away for the weekend like that. I am off today to allow him some time to recover and then have a day trip to Belfast tomorrow.

So end of an era in some ways but the possibilities are endless now. Watch this space

5:2 and me

As you may know I’ve been doing Thinking Slimmer for coming up to 2 years now. My behaviour around food has changed massively. I now make the right choices around food (it must be at least 6 months since I’ve had lunch or dinner from McDonalds because I just can’t face it)

I eat smaller portions. If I need to snack I snack on fruit more often than not. If I do eat crappy food I eat very little of it.

I run most mornings.

Because of my Nike Fuelband I know I am active enough in the day. The minimum for a day with no exercise is 2000 fuelpoints. Most days I make it to 3000 points +

And yet…

…I haven’t changed size in well over a year.

It just doesn’t make sense.

And I am in a great place in my head so I thought it would all change.

But it seems that for some reason I am keeping the weight on – probably with some misguided belief around protection as a result of the events of my childhood. I feel very disconnected from my body.

It’s been really frustrating me because everything else is great but I guess at the end of the day feeling disconnected from your body is not great for weight loss.

It seems that no matter how hard I try to work my way through the mental side of this with all the new skills I have, I’m getting nowhere.

So it’s time for a different approach.

It’s time for me to beat my body.

The first thing I am doing is the Mutu system – an exercise system designed especially for mothers to help tone up that middle area. This will be added to daily runs and a few exercises with club bells.

Next thing I am doing is the very badly named “Fast Diet”

I say it’s badly named because it’s not a diet. It’s a lifestyle choice.

The principle is that out of every 7 days in a week you fast for 2. Fasting, according to this book, is to eat less than 600 calories if you are a man and 500 if you are a woman. For the other 5 days you eat normally.

This is generally split between breakfast and dinner – it’s not a snacking through the day thing.

The Fast Diet has amazing health benefits, and a side effect of helping you lose weight. The principles, as I understand them, take us back to the cave man days where we were solely focussed on survival. We would have days where we gorged on a beastie we’d caught and days of fasting while we were hunting. Our bodies are geared up to swap between eating and not eating on a relatively frequent basis.

When we are eating our body takes the nutrients it needs but is mainly focussed on storing the fat and stuff. So by eating all day we are storing all day. When we stop eating our body not only starts working through those stored reserves but also goes into repair mode. The theory is that while we are in a period of ‘famine’ then our body needs to be as strong as it can be to survive so energy is focussed on repair.

The other interesting thing is around insulin and blood sugar. Apparently our bodies are not geared for the high sugar diet we have and the cells get saturated with insulin and develop a lower tolerance, limiting the effectiveness of processing sweet foods and leaving more sugar in our blood. This can lead to diabetes and heart disease.

By fasting we de-saturate those cells so the insulin is as effective as it can be.

They have also found links to improvements in cognitive functions – although they need more research on this to fully validate it.

So as I read all about it, it seemed like a no brainer.

I have heard many great weight loss stories around the 5:2 approach so as part of my “Beat the body” campaign I decided to try this.

On Sunday I had my first fast day (before I read the book!)

Now I was half starved as a child so depriving myself of food feels like a punishment to me and I was very aware of this going into it. I was ready to abort if I genuinely felt it was triggering me in the wrong way.

I found Sunday really hard. I normally don’t eat much on a Sunday but I do usually have a small amount of porridge for breakfast. Because I hadn’t read the book I was going with the 500 calories through the day approach and thought I would stick to liquids (latte’s etc) for my 500 cals. This was a mistake

Mid morning I was corrected by a friend on Twitter and I had a banana. All I could do all day was obsess over food. My stomach rumbled and I felt shaky.

I didn’t think this approach was for me. I decided I would do it as a dinner to dinner thing. So eat nothing after dinner at around 8pm until the next day’s dinner time at 8pm.

I was glad when I got to the end of the day and had completed it, but resolved that it wasn’t for me

The day after I felt better in myself.

So whilst I initially thought it wasn’t for me I figured I’d give it another try. I knew I was in a meeting all day in London on Wednesday so I would be busy enough to be distracted. I also bought the book.

I read the book and was totally convinced this was the right thing to do. Meanwhile I heard from loads of people who were doing it very successfully and had lost loads of weight.

So yesterday I did it again. It was easier. The book says the first couple of days you do it are the hardest.

This morning I got on the scales out of curiosity. I have lost somewhere between 4-5lbs in the last week (I don’t really do scales!) I also am watching my body fat% because I expect that to change too.

The great thing about doing this with Thinking Slimmer is that you don’t go wild on the 5 non-fast days (although I don’t think it would matter if you did!) I eat normally and healthily for 5 days and fast for 2.

So here are my tips for the diet

1. Read the book. It won’t take long and it helps to understand what you’re trying to achieve
2. Accept that the first 2 days are the hardest. If you can get through them then the rest will be relatively easy
3. It is not 500 calories of snacking – it is breakfast and dinner. So plan breakfast and make sure you have a couple of hundred calories (couple of boiled eggs are good). Nuts are good too because they are filling. Fish and as much salad as you can manage are good for dinner. This is not about starving – it’s about fasting
4. I find dinner to dinner works well for me and doesn’t disrupt any social activity I have planned. It’s still 24 hours so you are giving your body a chance to do its thing.
5. Do it on a day where you are busy. Don’t take the quietest days of the week. You don’t want to be like I was on Sunday and obsessing over food all day
6. Chill on the other 5 days and if you are worried about it try something like Thinking Slimmer.

That’s it really. I will continue to keep you posted on my progress.

Why I love running

Yep, that is the right title for this blog post.

You see I realised something this morning as I jogged along the path near my house.

It was a beautiful morning. Totally still with blue skies. As the sun rose there was a haze of pink on the horizon that revealed as I ran further down the path into a blazing sunrise.

I kept going for longer than planned because I couldn’t face turning away from something so beautiful.

I jog rather than run. I keep a pace that stops me getting out of breath because I know that being breathless is something I hate. I hate my mouth being covered and my air to be restricted (I should probably see someone about that!)

I enjoyed the run even though my toes were freezing cold because I run in Vibrams and the ground was icy.

I enjoyed the space and freedom of jogging along.

This morning I thought about my friends who ran the Brighton half marathon on Sunday and how well they had done. I thought about how good they looked on their weight loss journey.

I felt disconnected and out of sorts. I felt like I was failing somehow.

When I saw the photos I felt jealous and smiled to myself that I was jealous of people running a half marathon.

I felt jealous of how good they look because I recognise that I still have something to unlock to continue on my own journey and I saw photos of people I know who are well on their way.

As they have prepared and as we get closer to April I have been thinking a lot about my London Marathon run last year.

I hated it.

I really should have loved it. What an opportunity and experience.

It wasn’t the running I hated (although that did kind of get in the way!)

As I ran this morning, and thought of the photos of my friends I realised why I hated it.

I love the countryside.

The reason I enjoy my runs is because I love what I see – the nature all around me -  and how free I feel. The thoughts in my head float around and form coherent patterns that are constrained when I’m within four walls. Constrained by crowds of people.

The reason I hated the London Marathon was because it was in London. Surrounded by people and buildings. Closed in. The opposite of what I get from my morning run.

I don’t like London – I never have.

Given the choice of anywhere to go I would choose to go to a rocky, wild beach and sit on a rock. I would want it to be windy and a bit grey. I would sit on the rock with the wind blowing the spray in my direction and feel the freedom of nothing around me to constrain me. I would enjoy the freedom to think and to be whoever I wanted to be.

That’s what I get from my running.

That’s what I didn’t get from the London Marathon.

And that’s why I should not choose to do any sort of public run again.

I don’t run to test myself. I don’t run to keep fit (although that is a bonus)

I run to be free. To get endorphins. To think.

This is why I love running.