Something isn’t right, and I’m not sure what.
I’m haunted right now. Not by memories from my childhood, but by memories of recent events.
I am haunted by the words used by the barristers “a horrific childhood”
I am haunted by reliving the repeated trauma of watching my video evidence in court.
I am haunted by the line of questioning the defence barrister took.
I am haunted by the verdict. More than anything, that. Not guilty.
I don’t know who I am.
What happened as I grew up was clearly worse than I remembered. Or worse than I chose to remember. Filtered over the years. What I did remember and share with so many people in May was all for nothing. Nothing happened.
And it’s almost like finding out you are adopted. Everything you believe to be true about yourself comes into question. And yet how I feel is as true as can be.
It’s like everything that went before, from when I grew up, is a story on a shelf that belongs to someone else. And without that story I don’t know who I am. What is my story?
And if I work on re-writing it from now, then all I have is the memory of seeking justice and not getting it.
I read the BBC news story about the 6 Aylesbury men found guilty. The quotes included:
"The bravery of the victims giving evidence in this case should be commended,"
"The courage it takes to relive your abuse in a courtroom environment cannot be underestimated."
During the sentencing, the judge, John Bevan QC, paid tribute to her bravery in laying bare her life “warts and all”
I did that. I laid bare my life “warts and all” to get the verdict. But I didn’t get the verdict.
And here I am again, in limbo.
Something is missing.
For each thing I do, I have this feeling that it won’t work out for me. Because what I do doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. What I do doesn’t get listened to. Things that work for everyone else aren’t going to work for me.
And I know I make a difference to lots of people. All I have been through gives me the ability to know I can get anyone to a better place. Because I am in a better place. My experiences have no relevance to my clients, other than to know for sure I can help. But what about me? What about me achieving things? What is my future?
I have no back story. It blew away in May. My present is haunted by reliving the trial that was over 3 months ago.
What is my future? I can’t use my past to predict my future because that has been shelved. I can’t use my present to predict my future because that leads to me thinking “what’s the point?”.
And so here I am. Something isn’t right. I don’t quite know what. I don’t know what will change it. I try and take each day at a time but the days are quiet right now. The work I’m doing on getting in the media isn’t delivering yet (back to “what’s the point?”).
So I keep going. As I have always done. I keep taking steps forward, no matter how small. I have always been scared but I never let fear dictate my actions. I am no longer scared, but I am short on hope. I won’t let that dictate my actions either.
Something will change won’t it? It always does. One day. One day I’ll look back and realise how far I’ve come.