I used to love Quantum Leap the TV series. This is the Wiki write up
Quantum Leap is an American television series that was broadcast on NBC from March 26, 1989 to May 5, 1993, for a total of five seasons. The series was created by Donald Bellisario, and starred Scott Bakula as Dr. Sam Beckett, a physicist from six years in the future (during the series' original run) who becomes lost in time following a time travel experiment, temporarily taking the places of other people to "put right what once went wrong". Dean Stockwell co-starred as Al Calavicci, Sam's womanizing, cigar-smoking sidekick and best friend, who appeared as a hologram that only Sam, animals, and young children could see and hear.The series featured a mix of comedy, drama and melodrama, social commentary, nostalgia and science fiction, which won it a broad range of fans. One of its trademarks is that at the end of each episode, Sam "leaps" into the setting for the next episode, usually uttering a dismayed "Oh, boy!"
It occurred to me, as I have struggled since meeting with my brother, that it is awfully like a Quantum Leap scenario.
In the programme, Sam, the main character gets dragged back through time and finds himself in a scenario in someone else’s body. It takes him a while to work out who he is. He then has to become that person whilst using his own innate skills to solve their problem so he can leap back out of their body again.
I thought I had reached a point in my personal journey where I was pretty much sorted.
I feel happy, confident and in control. I look at each day and each week with optimism. I enjoy my life and sharing it with the people around me. On Saturday, as I sat giggling at Trevor as he taught the course I realised that I was looking at him almost as a stranger. He was the bloke teaching the course and not so much the bloke that helped me change my life. It was actually quite bizarre!
Then on Saturday night I met with my brother. I paid for a taxi to bring him to my hotel and to take him back home again.
I stayed up until 1:30am talking to him. I was trying to work out if I could help and I realised I couldn’t. Maybe someone else can but not me. He told me about all his troubles.He told me how he’d tried to kill himself and put his affairs in order, written a will etc. Apparently I was named in it but what he has that I’d want I have no idea! He told me how he didn’t plan on living much beyond the next 2-3 years. He told me that he was chilled and contented right now and then without realising it shared with me that it clearly wasn’t true.
I talked to him about Cognitive Hypnotherapy. He said he understood how it worked but it wouldn’t work on him. But I could tell he would like it to. I used the pendulum on him and he realised how powerful it was but he couldn’t think of anything he’d like to ask it to change.
I told him I was happy. He didn’t even acknowledge what I said. He didn’t care.
He said he was worried by how cold it was because he hadn’t got any money off the dole since he came out of prison 4 weeks before. I gave him all the cash I had in my wallet but the cashpoint in the hotel didn’t work so I couldn’t give him any more. He said it was ok, that I could transfer some money to his account.
At 1:30 am he left with a bottle of cider from the bar and £60 in his wallet.
He left me with an empty wallet and a feeling of being totally out of control again. He left me with that familiar misery that I have lived with for so long.
For the 3.5 hours he was with me I was like Sam out of Quantum leap. I was back as the Dawn before I started seeing Trevor. In fact I was the 18 year old Dawn. It felt like almost everything I had didn’t exist anymore. The only reminder was the fact that I was sat in a bar in a hotel, having just given him a load of cash.
He left and I was shaken.
The next day I got up at 5am having had a fitful sleep from 2am.
I made my way into college with my eyes to the ground and a maelstrom in my head. When I saw Trevor, the unfamiliarity was gone and there was the guy that had helped me find myself stood in front of me again. I wanted him to tell me it was ok, that I could cope. But I didn’t want to tell him that I’d screwed up, met my brother and was now in this deep dark hole. After all, this was day 2 of the course – this was not about me.
So I stewed.
Every break I took myself off to a quiet space as soon as I could and I tried to work out what was going on in my head. I found myself distracted as we went through the day, wanting only to find a nice dark corner to sit in.
When the course finished I sent the others off on their own (I usually travel back to the airport with a couple of friends off the course). I slowly walked through Regents Park to Baker street tube. I chatted to the squirrels, observed the birds, watched my feet as they walked along.
I eventually settled in at the airport and started working on my exam pack for the course to try and get my head somewhere else. I gave in an emailed Trevor. He reassured me that I’d just stirred stuff up and it would settle.
It did start to settle. But it hasn’t yet gone away.
I am still in the time warp.
I have realised a number of things
- I was stupid to think it was a good idea to meet with my brother
- I am not well enough established as the “new me” to cope with anything from my old life
- I can’t help my brother.
- I have a lot more work to do on myself.
I guess, like Sam from Quantum Leap I need to take action on these feelings then I can leap back to the me now. And get back to enjoying everything about my life. I think, it’s going to take a while longer for me to get back to enjoying being myself again.